Body Language.

I am an anxious person.  I’m prone to fits of panic, waves of anxiety that roll over me and pull me under.  I was medicated for a while and that allowed me time to learn new ways of talking to myself that didn’t involve cruel words and threats of harm.  But eventually, I stopped the meds because I felt too flattened by them and wanted just to see how I could cope now that I recognized normal.  And I mostly cope fine.

But when the panic and anxiety comes, it’s almost unbearable.  Tomorrow I have an appointment I’m incredibly nervous about.  I was trying to find something appropriate to wear and spent 2 hours tonight shopping and did not buy a single item of clothing.  Because…wait for it…I’m too fat.

GOD. 

It’s like such a stupid default setting in my head.  I’m freaking out about this appointment, I’m feeling nervous and unprepared and twitchy, but I don’t talk to myself about any of that.  I don’t address the feelings.  I instead focus on the fact that my thighs make pants fit weird.  I call myself fat, I kick myself for the handful of candy I ate today, I despise myself for letting myself go.  

I talk to myself in body language because it lets me avoid the real issue.

The real issue?  I don’t want to go to this appointment tomorrow.  I regret agreeing to, I realize now that it is not a direction I want things to go, I am annoyed with myself for being rash.  I wanted to come home tonight and have someone here to talk things through with me, but my husband doesn’t live here.  And that pisses me off on a whole other level. 

He’s not here to support me, to make me dinner and give me a foot rub and reassure me.  He’s not here to give me a hug.  And I’m so angry about that.  I feel so abandoned by him.

The week after he comes home for a visit is always like this.  But this time it’s magnified by the anxiety that overwhelming me.  Tonight I essentially hung up on him when he called.  Because I have nothing to say that isn’t angry.  Because I’m so sad and scared and panicked.

So, I call myself fat.  Because that’ll fix things, right? 

 I just want to stop hurting myself because I hurt.  I just want things to be easier.