I wobble, but I don’t fall down.
I was a mean dieter. Probably because of the hunger, but I was very, very cruel about other women’s bodies. Not outwardly, of course, because I was mostly raised right, but unkind thoughts abounded.
I’m terribly ashamed of this now. I recognize that I absolutely hated myself and hated what I was having to do to get society’s approval, and I deeply, deeply resented women who didn’t put themselves through the same misery. I was jealous and also confused and terrified; what if all the pain and sadness I was putting myself through didn’t make me happy?
Of course it didn’t. It can’t. Because as long as your actions are telling you every day that you’re still not good enough? You’re not gonna be happy.
Lately, I’ve found myself looking at other women, women of all shapes and sizes, and I’m stunned to find that there are so many different kinds of pretty out there. And being able to look at them and see how lovely they are, well, that makes it easier to look at myself and see beauty there, too.
So, when I find myself in front of the mirror comparing myself unfavorably to a Weeble, I’m able to stop now and think about the many different kinds of pretty I’ve seen just today, and realize that Weebles are pretty damn cute, too.
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I think it’s only fair to tell you GWC, that this is not in anyway unique to you.
This may be hard for me to explain the right way, but it is linked to weight loss and is part of its toxic thought legacy. Similar to when you get a bit of poison in you it stimulates ripples of bad reaction.
It simply is nothing to be ashamed of, it is the dieting itself that causes it.
It is worth bearing this in mind sometimes when the dieters go crazy, some of it is this effect ramped up!
You know what, I love this entry. When people are invested in these harmful ideas about weight loss and dieting and controling our bodies, nothing comes but harm. Ideas, notions, or realities that run contrary become personal threats to identity and reality. Thankfully, it doesn’t mean that the body-hate force field is impenetrable or impermeable
I had never seen the Weebles before! I wish I could make a Weeble in my image, cuz they ARE damn cute.
It’s interesting that you would post this. Not long after I started reading Fatshionista, I started to look at the pictures being post and really started to see how beautiful the women were. It was like a revelation, because before I could only look at other women and think, “Oh, why can’t I be as skinny/pretty/whatever as she is?” OR “Thank goodness that at least I’m not as ugly/fat/whatever as she is.” Needless to say, it always shook down along those ridiculous lines, and I was spending a lot of energy hating myself and envying others.
Little by little I have really started to change that. When I catch myself looking at another woman, I am starting to see the beautiful things. It’s also helping me see some beautiful things in myself. It takes a while, but I think it’s worth it.