Seven more days.
It’s one week until the end of my three-month contract with myself about changing my eating and exercise habits. Right now, I’m thinking very hard about how and where I go from here.
Overall, it’s been fairly successful. I haven’t weighed in 3 1/2 months; I’ve also stopped measuring myself with my hands. In 3 months, I’ve only tallied up my daily calories four times. I have been diligent about not overexercising and have been working out in a moderate, consistent fashion. I don’t log my weight or my exercise minutes anymore. I have put away clothes that have grown too tight and unpacked clothes I’d put away when they’d grown too large and reintroduced those to my wardrobe.
There have been struggles, too. It’s hard to shake years’ worth of self-criticism. It’s hard not to call yourself “fat” when you really just feel awkward, uncomfortable, not good enough. It’s hard to practice self-care when the whole world thinks you’re really failing.
I’m not failing.
Yes, I have days where I really, really miss some of my old clothes and I really, really miss the attention I got for my weight loss, but that’s just external stuff. Inside of me, I feel…almost peaceful. I feel like I’m taking care of myself for the first time ever. I feel like I’m giving myself the love that I always thought I had to work for. Just because I’m me. Just because I like me. Just because I’m not just okay, but good and worthy and amazing.
And taking care of me on the inside, just because I deserve it? It’s making me notice the ways in which I get less than I deserve from other people, and you know? I’m ready to set some boundaries. To make some demands.
I told my husband that, for my entire life, I’ve always felt that I had to give something, be something, to earn the love of the people around me. My family, my friends, even him. I felt like what I was wasn’t enough to offer, wasn’t enough to make them love me.
But it is. And even if it’s not, even if they don’t love me because I’ve stopped living for them? Then that’s ultimately good for me. I’ve got to make room in my life for situations and relationships that value me just as I am, right here, in this body with this heart and this life. If that means weeding out the people who can’t accept me, that’s okay. That’s actually desirable, isn’t it?
This is going to be a week of careful consideration, of deciding my next step. I’m not a dieter anymore. So…who am I?
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You are awesome! Your blog is tremendously inspiring. Keep up the good work!
I love that you made a contract with yourself. Did you write it up and post it on the fridge?
I promised my husband I would quit smoking for his birthday, which is coming up in August. I’m terrified of the weight gain I’m sure I will go through when I finally take the plunge and give up the nasty old cigarettes once and for all.
When I’m feeling humilated over gaining weight for doing something that’s good for my health, I’ll re-read your post here, and try to borrow some of your inner strength to get through it! Thank you.
I’ve just finished reading through all your entries, and I have a long list next to me of phrases I scribbled down that made me wince in recognition, or envious, or giddy in the realization that maybe — just MAYBE — I can ditch this horrible, damaging, food obsession.
(I’m not going to reproduce the list here; don’t worry.)
The most notable thing I’ve come away with is the idea that dieting and obsessive exercise is NOT self-care, despite what doctors, the media, and our families would have us think; it’s actually self-hatred. And that self-care is listening to one’s own body and honoring what it needs and wants, even if it’s skipping the gym and eating ice cream.
(I will share one item from my scribbled list [and yes, this item is in all caps]: “HOW CAN ICE CREAM BE SELF-CARE???”)
It’s hard to practice self-care when the whole world thinks you’re really failing.
That resonates so much for me. I am so glad you are a) not failing and b) giving yourself the credit that other people deny you. Because you rock.
I hope you renew your contract! And keep blogging, I love reading your posts.
You guys rule. Thank you all.
elasticwaist, I actually sat down and typed up the contract (it has, like, bullet points and everything), printed it out, signed it, and hung it on the bulletin board over my desk here at home. It’s directly in my line of sight when I’m working at the computer.
Rose, good luck with quitting smoking!
Teppy, sometimes ice cream is the best kind of self-care. Giving yourself what you really want when you really want it is telling yourself that you can *trust* yourself. So much of dieting and food obsession requires that you tell yourself that you can’t be trusted to eat the right foods at the right times in the right amounts..basically, that you can’t take care of yourself in the most basic way. That’s kind of a horrible message to send to yourself on a daily basis, isn’t it? We deserve more credit than that. Good luck with your journey!