Feed me, Seymour.

I’ve been very precise with my demand-feeding these past few days: eating exactly what I’m hungry for right when I’m hungry, and stopping when I’ve had enough.  It’s been fascinating; I never knew that, oh, half a granola bar could be a enough of a snack for me.  Or two crackers with cheese and a handful of cherries could be enough of a lunch.  It makes me realize how completely disconnected I was from my stomach, how much food I ate that I didn’t really want, simply because it was my measured portion and, damn it, I was getting every last crumb.  As a result of this new way of feeding myself, I’ve been eating quite frequently, but absolutely weensy amounts.

Of course, somewhere in the back of my jacked-up mind, a little diet-y sounding voice is jabbering about my new discovery.

“Oooh!” she says. “Think of how much weight could just sliiiiiide off if you keep eating so little.  Like magic!”

She needs to shut it.

As a result of that voice, I found myself feeling rather rebellious today.  After I had half a banana with a spoonful of peanut butter, I  kept sneaking wee spoonfuls of PB straight from the jar.  I wasn’t hungry anymore, I was over the taste of the PB, but I just wanted to prove that I wasn’t restricting.

So, I’m reminding myself.  It’s not restricting to stop eating when you have had enough.  It’s only restricting if want more and you tell yourself you can’t have it.  But if the wanting is over?  Then it’s okay to stop.  That’s honoring your appetite, not restricting your eating. There is a difference.

This is a challenge for me, recognizing that just because I’m eating a small amount at a given moment in time, it doesn’t mean I’m dieting.  Small portions do not equal “diet.”

Still, though, this is just a bump.  Every day that passes, every day that I get to eat when I’m hungry even though it’s not a pre-approved meal time, or when I get to have a tomato for a snack or chicken noodle soup for breakfast, it all gets easier.  The eating.  The kindness.  The love.

I think about how I used to feel about food, and I can feel the tension crawling through my body, tightening in my neck and shoulders and I realize that? That was how I lived every day.

Now I think about food and feel only, “Yay!”  And that’s a very happy thing.