Where’s my soap box?
Maybe I missed that day in school, but was there, like, a special assembly where they sat us all down and informed us that we had a responsibility to society-at-large to be “healthy” and “in shape”? Really, I didn’t have perfect attendance, but I do love an assembly, so I can’t imagine I would have missed that day.
There’s an interesting discussion over at BFD about fat-as-feminist-issue, and the comments fascinate me. I’m particularly struck by some clearly intelligent commenters talking about fat as a matter of health. I’m sorry, but without even addressing whether or not that’s true, who freaking cares? That’s not the issue. I don’t have to meet anyone’s standards of health; I don’t have to stay “in shape” for the greater good. What you choose to do with your body is completely your business, as is what I choose to do with mine. And FAT AND HEALTH ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE.
And now I break it down:
- Health has a lot of definitions, and I can meet my definition or my doctor’s definition without meeting yours. Health is not the same for every person.
- You cannot look at the size of my ass and tell how healthy I am, unless my medical records have been tattooed on it. My ass does not equal my blood pressure, my cholesterol, my mental well-being. It may tell you what size pants I wear, but that’s probably as much information as you’re gonna get.
- I am fit. I can run for miles and miles, I lift very heavy weights quite regularly, I’m fairly bendy, and my core can take a pretty good punch. And yet I look most decidedly not fit to the casual observer. I wear a size 12 in pants and have jiggly parts and tip the scales (to use the Obesity Epidemic vernacular) at 146 pounds. I am, like, only the tiniest margin below the BMI cutoff for “overweight”, but probably pass back and forth over that line as my weight naturally fluctuates. And I did just drink a big glass of water, so I may be “overweight” as I write this.
- I eat in the range of 1700 - 2000 calories a day, mostly made up of lean proteins in deference to my cholesterol, veggies, fruit, and whole grains. I work out hard 90 minutes a day. This is not enough to make me thinner. I dig the laws of thermodynamics as much as the next chick, but I’m not dropping pounds like a high-school wrestler because my body is not identical to every other 5′5″, 146-lb woman’s body out there. Our metabolisms vary, so while Woman A may be able to stay a trim 130 while running 3 miles a day and eating 2000 calories, those same behaviors will cause my weight to increase. Because we’re not the same person. Really. I know. It’s mind-blowing, but what’s true for Woman A may not be true for me. Scandalous, isn’t it?
- For me to be thin and to therefore look “healthy”, I must engage in behaviors that are unhealthy. I have to overexercise and chronically restrict what I eat. I have to run until I pass out or throw up and I have to develop stress fractures and I have to engage in unrelenting self-injury. Thinness requires a complete disregard of health FOR ME. And that’s the only person I can really get all het up about, so bummer for you.
- To most observers, I’m not fat. I’m just sort of in-between. I don’t get discriminated against, I don’t get called names, and I am well aware of how kindly society treats me compared to fatter women. But I’m also well aware of how much better society treated me when I wore a size 4. And it pisses me off, because my value is not dependent on my weight.
- If I decide tomorrow to stop working out 90 minutes a day and maybe go for a nice walk in the evenings or play with my dogs, and if I decide to eat Cheetos with my lunch instead of carrot sticks, and if I have a beer with my whole-grain veggie pizza instead of a big glass of water, then that’s my decision. I’m not entirely clear on why anyone else would care. Do people really have that much spare time that they can emotionally invest themselves in my fat ass and how it affects and/or offends them?
I don’t have to meet your definition of health. I don’t have to be fit. I don’t have to be thin or “lean” or “take care of myself” or look any specific way. If you don’t like looking at me, don’t look. If you don’t approve of how I choose to watch Iron Chef on Sunday nights instead of using that hour to run an extra six miles, don’t associate with me. If you value thinness, that’s your value system, not mine. You probably find me lazy and unmotivated and I can’t really help that, like you can’t help that I think you’re judgmental and self-righteous. We’re both probably at least a little bit wrong anyway.
I just wished we spent more time talking about the ways in which women are just freaking awesome instead of the ways in which we don’t find each other acceptable just as we are.
That’s the conversation worth having.
Well said, sister. Point #6 is something I have been struggling with lately. My head KNOWS I am not my weight, but my self esteem says otherwise, probably for just the reason you pointed out. I too was treated differently 40 pounds ago, and now I sometimes find myself wondering “why doesnt’ the bank teller/grocery store clerk/any other anonymous stranger seem to like me?” I”m a likeable girl underneath this fat! In fact, I find myself to be hilarious at times, so why does it take some serious one on one time for people to find that out? I don’t have any answers, but yes, it pisses me off too.
This was absolutely fantastic. It’s everything I would like to say to people, though you have said it much better than I ever could. This is what it’s all really about: having the self-respect to stand up for yourself and stick to what you believe in.
I am printing this out and sending it to my mom. THANK YOU!
Right on! I agree with every word you said although I’d like to hear more about the ways you were treated better at a size 4. I’ve lost some weight since the winter, and I find the single biggest difference in how I’m treated is I get hit on more by men. But I’m not a size 4 and given our height difference (I’m 4 inches shorter than you) we’re probably very similar in size. I wonder - do women treat you with more respect when you’re very thin?
Honestly, it’s been about 16 years since I was an eating-disordered super slim woman. My only memory of how I was treated differently was that more men hit on me, and in a more scary and threatening way, like exposing themselves or following me in cars. Anyway, I know that’s not what you’re talking about when you say people treat you better, so I’d like to know more about how that looks for you.
Long time lurker here - preach on! BYW, we are almost exactly the same size, so I know what you mean about the “in-between” look. But I exercise constantly and am far healthier than my size 4 friends, who can’t walk up a flight of stairs (which I RUN up) without gasping for air.
Amen. I’ve hit a rut in my body acceptance mission. Reading this made me feel so much better!
you are completely right. That lesson needs to be taught at school.
and as for all that rubbish people spout claiming concern for the overweight! such nonsense! so much of it is motivated by people enjoying feeling able to look down upon someone else. I am constantly surprised by the comments that normally civilised friends come out with, people who would never dream of being rude about someones race, or religion or sexuality, but who are happy to tut and laugh at someone for being big (or even just bigger).
This kind of behaviour really needs to become socially unacceptable. and that starts one person at a time.
rant over!
h.x
“And it pisses me off, because my value is not dependent on my weight.”
This has been my point forever.
Testify!
“Maybe I missed that day in school, but was there, like, a special assembly where they sat us all down and informed us that we had a responsibility to society-at-large to be “healthy” and “in shape”?”
Blah blah freaking blah. BLEARGH.
I like the gym, but these excerpts are starting to sound like they came from Mein Kampf, aren’t they?
Anyone else feeling shades of the Weimar Republic — as portrayed in Cabaret, perhaps (stand up, all you former theatre majors)– in the good old U.S. of A. these days?
Geeeeez.
#2. *snicker*
#3. I am jealous. I can do the elliptical for an hour, and I can still take Alexandra Beller’s modern dance classes, but I can’t run anymore - my meniscus won’t permit it. I never thought I’d see the day when I’d lament not being able to run (I used to hate it when I was 14 and training for the throwing sports in track and coach would make us run 2 miles with the middle-distancers to warm up. Be careful what you wish away.)
Jockism — the idea that being “athletic” makes you a superior person and a better citizen — has always been a cult, but it hasn’t been a state religion up until now. (Former Dramatic Writing major here and I’ve seen the film, does that count?)
And yeah, although I hate to invoke N***ism because it leaves the door open to charges of hysteria, the caricatures and stereotyping and ritual shaming of fat people and hysteria about them “taking over” that is rampant in our culture today are eerily similar to portrayals of Jewish people from 100 years ago, especially in Europe. It was common (almost expected) then for born Jews who were able to “pass” as gentile to try to do so by changing their names and joining a Christian church; among those who did so was John Kerry’s Austrian-born grandfather.
Rose, I do find that women treat me differently now then at my thinnest. When I was at that weight, they treated me like I knew some secret. They’d ooh and ahh over my “willpower” and my ability to turn down any food and to exercise for hours every day. They were more complimentary and people in general treated me with more deference. And hell, I wasn’t all that skinny. But there was lots more attention to be had at a 4 than a 12, and it wasn’t even mostly from men.
Sparkle Pants, fight through the rut!!
Wow! Thank you thank you! I feel like it could have been me writing that list (though you said it better than I could. I relate so much to everything you said about how weird it feels to be in between truly fat and truly thin, and how much it sucks to be more athletically capable than most people around you but have people assume the opposite based on appearance, and how people assume that you must be making bad food choices or that the few bad food choices you make are making you fat even though you eat healthier than most people. Thank you thank you, couldn’t have said it better myself. I want to get this on a shirt.
OMG, I’m so late to this party, but… wow. I’m going to embroider this onto a sampler it’s so good. (Not really - I’m no where near that motivated.)
[...] Of course this is the opposite of what society tends to portray women, so I felt like I should be pleased by it, like it should be a step in the right direction… only it’s not. It’s not a game about “loving your body”. It’s just another example of how women tear ourselves and each other down every chance we get. First we couldn’t be fat, now we can’t be thin? It’s becoming more and more socially acceptable to commiserate with other fat women and tear down thin women. I remember being sort of horrified by the ruckus on this post at the Big Fat Deal blog, which started over at MamaPop and sort of took over a few places for a little while. I can understand that people were upset, because of course Mandy Moore isn’t chubby, and even if she was she’d still be hot. But all these people up in arms about the post? Are the people who are ragging on Posh Spice for being too thin, or freaking out about Angelina Jolie’s arms. (Full disclosure- I am probably one of them. My celeb blog addiction knows no bounds, and I definitely get caught up in the judgment madness.) That just seems a little hypocritical to me. Like it’s okay to rag on thin people, but not fat people. And that’s not going to make anything better. It’s not going to make our culture more size accepting. It’s just making more women feel bad about how they look, just a different demographic this time. Like this post at Knitting Kninja - it’s not fair that she should have to defend herself for being thin. It’s not fair that I should have to defend myself for being fat. Why, why, why can’t we just leave each other alone? Why can’t we be more like this? [...]
[...] With Cheese has a response to our discussion about fat and feminism, and the interesting tangential discussion in the comments [...]
[...] Good With Cheese: Where’s my soap box? [...]
You are my new hero, but I’m fickle, so that could change, but for this moment, you are it.
Rose, I think a skinny women can make larger women feel insecure and therefore slightly dominated some of the time?
Hear, hear! WHY can’t people understand this?!
My therapist has quoted some (female) Swedish politician as saying, “If women would only stop worrying about the size of their thighs, we could accomplish SO MUCH.”
But this is outstanding.
I’m trying to change my mindset with regard to eating and my body image and it’s HARD. I’m lucky in that my control issues never manifested themselves in something that would seriously hurt me, but in trying to eat as absolutely nutritionally perfectly as possible. Feeling bad if I didn’t have a salad for lunch because then what if I didn’t get enough servings of vegetables. But also freaking out if I felt like I was eating too little and messing with myself.
I’ve found that aside from the fact that I actually *feel* better now that I’ve started to eat a bit more, a bit less carefully, the thing that’s helped the most is to remember that FOOD IS NOT A MORAL ISSUE.
If I get nine servings of vegetables, it does not make me a better person. Hell, if I ran four miles or did curls with the 15 lb weights, it doesn’t make me any better than anyone else. The latter two might make me proud because it’s a goal I worked up to over time, but why should anyone else care unless they want to run that far with me? And the vegetables? Is that really an accomplishment? Maybe it’s good for me (though that many… starts to lead to upset stomach) but that is MY deal.
Honestly, no one else (aside from people who know me personally) really cares if my arteries are clogging or my cholesterol is low or I’m reducing my risk of colon cancer. I get a lot of compliments from people at work who see the way I eat, as if it’s something admirable. Um… I grew up on steamed veggies and broiled fish. There was no junk, hence I don’t have much of a taste for it. I was vegan for six years - learned to love tofu and tempeh and beans and all sorts of crazy health foods.
This stuff does not make me a better person. I’d contend that waking up early to work out most days indicates some degree of discipline, but the “discipline” required to go from “not overweight, but not particularly skinny either” to what society tells me looks most healthy and fit would make me hungry and dizzy and irritable and incapable of thought. In other words, a less worthwhile person to be around.
I’m trying the intuitive thing and I’m trying to remember that not feeling anxious and guilty all the time is part of being healthy. To remember that sustenance cannot be determined by a spreadsheet, but only by listening to your needs. And that it’s not healthy to try to work against your body, so why should I feel guilty for not doing so.
But, yeah, food is not a moral issue. I feel better, physically, eating some than others, but I feel just as bad when I don’t eat enough because I’m so hung up on everything being perfect.
To holls,
Right now I am under-weight due to physical health issues. I sometimes feel that larger or even average weight women instantly dislike me because of my build. (Maybe it’s their insecurity as you put it. I don’t know) I’m 5′ 11″ and 130lbs right now. Many women seem to assume that if you’re tall and thin life must be great for you. But I was much happier when I was 160lbs and healthy. I don’t think I’m any better than anyone. I’m skinny because i’m sick. It bothers me that women want to look like me. I look sickly. And being tall is no picnic, but don’t get me started on that rant, lol.