Handle with care.
I’m playing with my nutrition a lot these days, trying to figure out what foods make me feel my best, my worst, my strongest, my most lethargic. It’s interesting to make food choices based on function instead of caloric content, and while I always swore I’d never be one of those annoying “food-as-fuel” people, I’m starting to see that learning how different foods affect your body? It’s not as sad or detached or joyless as “food-as-fuel” makes it sound.
I want to run faster. I also want to be able to lift heavier weights and, damn it, I’m learning to do a real, non-cheater pull-up if it kills me. And to achieve my fitness goals, I have to feed my body. Restriction has no place in my life if I want to be stronger. I need to eat, lots of food and frequently and the absolute best quality I can afford. I need it. My body needs it. My heart and lungs and muscles and bones don’t care what size pants I wear; they just want to be as strong as possible.
So, I’m giving myself what I need, giving it without conditions, without restrictions, without rules about having to earn anything.
This sense of living in abundance is extending to other areas of my life as well. I need a minimum of 8 hours of sleep a night, so I don’t really care how uncool it is to go to bed at 9 PM. That’s what I need, so that’s what I do.
I also need time alone, so even though I’m thrilled to have my husband home, I’m going to honor my need for solitude and disappear for an hour or so every evening.
I’m done being miserly with myself, withholding food and rest and pleasure and fun until I meet some arbitrary standards. I need what I need; denying that fact does not change that fact. It only makes me unhappy and obsessive and so, so sad.
I’ve never thought I was worth all that much, so taking care of myself initially felt very uncomfortable and selfish, but I have learned this:
If you wait until you think you “deserve” it to begin caring for yourself, then you will be waiting for the rest of your life because something is always there to hold up a mirror to your perceived failures and flaws.
Stop waiting. Just start doing. After a while, you’ll wonder why you ever lived any other way.
7 Comments so far
Leave a reply
That was just the bit of advice I needed to start my day! Excellent.
Going to bed at 9pm is uncool? Then snap my suspenders and call me a nerd because I loooooove going to bed early. I get completely psychotic if I don’t get enough sleep at night, so I make sure I go to bed by 10 AT THE LATEST every night. Now if I could extend this self care to other aspects of my life….
Good stuff–I’ve been experimenting with eating the foods that make me feel good and not eating the foods that make me feel bad. It makes quite a difference.
The challenge for me is not so much feeling that I need to deserve what’s good for me, as consistantly remembering that I can’t afford to follow some impulses, even though they seem as though they’re harmless enough. (Most carbs and dairy are bad for me, and the simple carbs knock me out in a way that makes it hard for me to take active care of myself.)
Another place I look forward to being someday. I would love to someday treat food as fuel and not some party in my mouth. I have yet to get there without making it feel like a food restriction - so it’s good to see someday I could happily eat food as fuel without all the craziness in my head.
Great post - love your writing.
“done being miserly with myself” what an awesome thing. I’m trying to get myself out of that restrictive mindset when it comes to things besides food (sleep, time alone, calls to therapist!) too.
love your writing here.
I go to bed at 7 pm to get up at 4. I know how you feel being called uncool for going to bed early. I admit, I do feel like a grandma sometimes, or perhaps a small child. I like my beauty sleep more than I dislike a silly name, though.
I was having a bad day today and totally went for carbs at lunch. I didn’t overeat, but it was still not a good choice. So I went to the food pyramid website and looked up what their recommended amounts of each food are for both 1800 and 2000 calories. Now I’m just going to eyeball it, but I’m going to start with the 1800, see if that’s enough, if it’s not, I’m going to tweak and play with it until it’s right for me. Way to live girl.