100.
This is post #100 here at my little blog, and I wanted to have something awesome to say, some recap of my journey here.
But then today happened and it’s all gone to hell.
I spent hours with the Weight Watchers today. I heard about Points, and the fun of losing weight and how grand it is watching the scale move down, down, down, yay, yay, yay.
That, combined with shopping (which is always a giant kick in the head for me) and a too-big lunch, left me feeling shaky and uncertain and too big for my skin. I came home, rattled around the house, ate a snickerdoodle, a couple of waffles, then fell face first into a 2-pound bag of Reese’s Pieces.
I don’t even like Reese’s Pieces.
Okay, now a quick flashback: in January 2007, when I decided to see how skinny I could get, I’d been stuck at home for several days due to an ice storm and found myself watching (this is embarrassing) this ridiculous show on CMT about Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders? And there were these beautiful young women being told to lose weight and something in me just sort of clicked. And I thought, hey, I can lose some more weight, too. If I just work hard enough, I can lose as much weight as I want. And then things went kind of crazy for four months.
Flash-forward to today: So, I’m face-down in the Reese’s Pieces and flipping through channels and OHMYGOD it’s a new season of that stupid cheerleader show.
I was on the treadmill before I even realized what was happening. I just pulled myself off (with minimal tears) after 4 miles and I’m going to count that as a small victory, because it’s still early and I could have easily knocked out another 10 miles before bedtime.
Now here I sit: sweaty, queasy, tired, anxious, confused, alone, and terrified. I’m like the seven dwarfs of suck.
I want my disordered behaviors back so badly today. I want them; I want to feel disciplined and controlled and strong. I also want to keep this all a secret, because I don’t want to disappoint anyone.
But no secrets has been my rule for these past 99 posts, so I’m going to put this out there, send these anxious, horrible feelings out into the ether and out of just my head, and hope for the best.
Tomorrow’s a new day.
25 Comments so far
Leave a reply
I believe that admitting that it’s a struggle and a spiral and ninety-nine steps forward and one step back makes you simply amazing.
Oh, the relief I found in being that rigid. And yet…there has to be so much more to living than feeling good about 14 miles on the treadmill. You know that–you’re living it.
Thank you for sharing your hard work with us. Really. You’re doing so well.
take care,
ae
Girl, we all stumble once in awhile. You can either lie there with your face in the dirt or you can get back up and say “so that didn’t go so well, who cares?” You are an amazing, inspiring woman no matter what happens. And neither you nor your dwarfs suck! I remember that ice storm - I used it as an excuse to inhale the rest of my leftover Christmas goodies which left me with pounds that I am still trying to take off. I’m sending you warm huggy vibes, and please know there are A LOT of us out here pulling for you! ☺
Oh and congrats on the 100 posts!!
You are awesome. The “ugly truth” is scary sometimes (okay, most of the time). Thanks for sharing your experience. It matters.
xoxoxoxoxo
I absolutely know what you mean. Even today, as I profess to be all recovered like and a body-acceptance activist and all that jazz, there is a part of me that still mourns the eating disorder. I too miss the euphoria of feeling disciplined and controlled and strong. The eating disorder was such an ingrained part of my life, that losing it is like losing a part of myself. I’ve never been able to succinctly put this into words, and even now I am probably miserably failing. But I think you probably know what I mean better than most.
I hope the release of words into the ether helped. You’re truly fabulous and what you share is obviously touching so many lives. Thank you for your candor. (and congrats on # 100)
“I’m like the seven dwarfs of suck.”
That may be the funniest thing I’ve read all week.
So you can’t really suck that bad if you still can have a sense of humor about it.
And, seriously, less exposure to the Weight Watchers and the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (wtf?!) can only be good things.
Oh, god, that Dallas Cowboy show is one of those awful guilty pleasures. It’s like a train wreck, you can’t look away, even though it’s horrifying.
And, honestly, this is that awesome post. Because it’s following the trend of truthful and honest and funny that you’ve set up in the previous 99. Everybody screws up sometimes, but being honest and telling the world about it, and then moving forward and starting fresh tomorrow? That’s amazing. That’s something to be proud of.
Happy 100!
Y’know, I was having a “seven dwarfs of suck” day (god I LOVE that) and I had pretty much renounced ever doing anything right and maybe I should just go back to being miserable but secure instead of adventurous but clumsy and happy. And my husband said, “Well, Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down.”
I laughed through my sobs. It worked, and I hope it works for you too. The world is not linear and nor are we. Your “setbacks” are part of your success!
Those Seven Dwarves of Suck? I’ve dated a few in my time.
I know from personal experience what it’s like to live in the land of WW only you’re not participating. My entire office went on a weight loss contest this past January, the details of which I’ve blogged about. To be honest, I did miss those false feelings of control and comfort that comes with losing weight. But the one thing that has helped, *really* helped, is to remember that those feelings are so freaking fleeting that it stops being worth it. And that acceptance feels so much better than control.
Carrie
you are doing great, right down to admitting how hard this is sometimes. I find a real sense of achievement from knowing that I have come back from the brink again, because coasting along is one thing, but you get to be proud of yourself when you come back after a day like you describe. go easy on yourself, you are doing amazing work. and happy 100.
h.x
Thank you all for the supportive words. I need life preservers right now and I can’t thank you all enough for tossing them out there for me.
Rachel, that’s it exactly–I feel something akin to grief right now. It’s not about my body; I wish it were, because I feel like I have some tools for dealing with negative body thoughts. It’s almost absurd how much it’s *not* about my body; it’s about how I see my internal self, how I see (or don’t see) my worth.
Phledge, I like how you worded that, about being miserable and secure. And Weebles are totally my totem in life, so you mentioning them is like a little gift the universe is giving me right now.
Lady, I wish I had so much more to offer you right now, I really do. But I’m kind of running on empty myself, I’m afraid, so all I’ve got is a bunch of internet hugs and best wishes and all that.
Oh, and go re-read that comment I left you a while back about the crab. Maybe I’ll go re-read it too, for that matter. I think it’d do us both some good.
Ah, here it is. I did need to re-read it.
Hugs again, lady.
oh, stupid cheerleaders and stupid weight loss and stupid RP’s. You can get back up on that horse.
I’m so glad you write about the harder parts of body acceptance, it makes me feel so much better about myself. I can tell myself, see, everyone messes up, it’s okay. And the mistakes feel SO much better when you don’t beat yourself up and move on (though that’s something to learn too!). Progress isn’t always linear and that’s okay! It’s still a part of moving forward overall. We deserve to be understanding of ourselves, mistakes and all.
I’m really glad you wrote this post. So many people (myself included) have moments where our faces are in the dirt and sometimes sharing that is more comforting than anything else.
That said, I feel for you. But I’m also happy for you because often times these moments when we desperately crave old patterns are actually a sign that we’re moving on and they’re making a last ditch effort to drag us back. Even though the temptation is crazy, you can’t unknow the things you’ve discovered since May, you just can’t.
I’m a little late to this party, but I want to thank you for sharing that.
Whether you see it or not, you radiate strength. We all slip and fall, every single one of us, but you had the courage to look it in the eye, and that can be the hardest thing of all. I wrote on my own blog yesterday something about how it is too easy to keep doing things that make us comfortable, even when those things are wildly self-destructive; for you to step outside your comfort zone even as it beckoned you…as far as I’m concerned, that’s half the proverbial battle, and for that I congratulate you!
And of course, happy 100th post!
I just wanted to add to the smiles and hugs and good wishes. I think you are so brave to disclose the things you want to keep secret. I really believe that the first step to defeating disordered behaviours is to shed light on them; they thrive as dark secrets, but they can’t survive in the light of day, so believe it or not, I think sharing your setback is an indicator of success. Keep at it-you’re an inspiration to me, as I’m struggling to quelch my disordered behaviours. (I’m not yet strong enough to shed light on them, but I’m trying!)
You’re a million times more likely to avoid the habits you don’t want to have when you’ve been honest and open about them. Happy 100.
[...] obsession to define me and guide my daily decisions, I am at a loss. Part of me misses it. As Good With Cheese says “I want them; I want to feel disciplined and controlled and strong.” I liked that feeling [...]
A friend pointed me to your blog this morning and I’m so glad she did. I wish I was capable of eloquence but this moment - this one right here - is not one of my more articulate ones. Thank you for this blog and for saying things that I really need to read and remember. (My Dallas cheerleader show is America’s Next Top Model and I shamefully watch it while I’m on the treadmill.)
I am so happy to have found your blog via Uncover Your Bliss.
I cannot tell you how much it means to me to know that there is someone out there dealing with the same things I am dealing with. I often feel like an outcast in my own life, circle of friends, etc.
Mostly, I feel like I am no longer a member of the most popular club on the planet: “Women Who Diet.” I turned in my membership card and it took me a very long time to feel okay about that decision.
Good luck to you and thanks for putting it all out there.
Congratulations on your 100th! I don’t know if this counts for you, but your post came at a timely point in my life, where I was pondering, and what I came up with while I was pondering was, “Sure I can! I can get as skinny as I want! There’s no reason I can’t go home and have a can of tuna packed in water for dinner every night! - except for the whole wrestling-with-the cat part of it. And the sucky thing is, it’s to take my mind off the rest of my life, which, truthfully, isn’t going so good right now.
But maybe I’ll come up with something else, now. And maybe I’ll sit under a pile of gloriously shimmering fabric while I do it.