Straw.
I’ve been lying to myself. And sort of everyone else.
Man, I suck.
Here’s the thing.
I’ve been working out super-crazy-intensely hard these last three weeks. I’m following a specific plan and it’s a minimum of an hour a day, six days a week, and I’ll be honest: I haven’t been taking the prescribed rest day, and have been subbing in a run instead.
My legs feel like lead. I’m sore all over. Mostly I’m tired. I don’t feel injured, but I’m teetering right there on the edge of overtraining.
Through this all, I’ve been really “careful” about what I eat. “Careful.” What’s that even mean? Well, to me, it’s a hyperawareness of the nutritional content of my food. I’m making sure I’m eating enough, but I’m implementing rules about protein and ratios and when I eat and all that jazz. It seems kind of…diet-y. My goal isn’t to lose weight (What is my goal? Why am I doing ANY of this?), which is good because I’m totally not. I’m okay with the number on the scale. I only get annoyed when pants fit weirdly and I think, “DAMNITALLTOHELL.“
I wonder if my workout plan and my “careful” eating is a supersecret diet*, but one I’m not ready (Willing? Able?) to give up. I can’t tear up my checklist of workouts. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. I feel like a petulant child about it all, but I’m so freaking sick of having to give things up that bring me small measures of comfort. Even when the comfort kind of hurts.
It’s such a fucking choice, isn’t it? You either feel the hurt and can’t do anything about it because the things you know how to do also kind of hurt, or you do those things anyway because it’s better than just sitting there not doing a damn thing and you just hurt yourself more, but at least you’re distracted and too tired to care.
I was driving to work this morning and all I wanted to do was pass my exit and drive until I ran out of gas and then crawl off into a field by the side of the road and sleep and cry and sleep some more, and then start over with a new life somewhere, maybe as a wisecracking truck stop waitress or a stocker at an all-night grocery in Wyoming.
Everything is too hard. I’m not even myself anymore. I don’t know what I am.
So I find motions to go through. I follow plans. I check boxes off and I believe that something life-changing will happen if I just get in better shape or eat more protein or run more miles.
It doesn’t, though. It all stays the same.
I’m so tired of things being the same. I’m so tired of me, this fragile, broken-down shell of a girl who keeps lying and keeps hurting herself and doesn’t know how to fix things.
How do you fix things when you’re the problem?
*Again, though, not wanting to lose weight. Possibly wanting to magically become tiny. And maybe prettier and definitely with better clothes, nicer hair, and a clearer complexion.
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Oh sweetie…first, let me say this loud and clear: you are not the problem.
When you’ve lived a life full of diets and disordered eating/exercise habits, another person takes up residence inside your head, like the proverbial devil on your shoulder. This person wags their finger at you and blames you for everything wrong in your life and wrong in the world. They also offer to magic solution: change; change everything about yourself and maybe, just maybe, the world will be perfect…or we will at least be able to handle it’s imperfections with grace and loveliness and not ever losing our perfect expression.
Of course, that voice is full of it. Human beings are messy creatures, full of needs and wants and emotions, and no matter how wonderful we all are, nothing is ever going to change that. To me, it seems that you have finally acknowledged this, but unfortunately that is where it gets so difficult. That little person in our heads, the one with all the empty promises, does not go quietly. I think that what you are experiencing now is that person fighting for their life.
You can beat them though; you just have to be a smarter fighter. I think you should forgive yourself for what you’ve been doing these past few weeks; you were doing what you had to do to get through a rough patch. Everyone alive has done this, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. The fact that you are admitting it not just to yourself, but to all of us, tells me that you are ready to do something else. Perhaps things will go better if you take it slowly. Try to modify a couple of your eating rules this week instead of overhauling everything, because that is bound to make you feel more stressed. Try to change a workout or two to something less severe. Go for a more leisurely walk. Do some yoga. Dance. Do something that you’ll enjoy doing that isn’t as hard on your body.* If you can, try and give yourself a day off too, but if you can’t do that this week then you can try next week. I think that if you do this a little at a time things will get easier, and eventually this will pass.
And perhaps this week start exploring some new ways to comfort yourself. Treat yourself to a couple of new books. Get a manicure/pedicure/facial/massage (if you’re into that sort of thing). Start an arts and crafts project. Try writing a short story. Watch some stand-up comedy (in my experience, Eddie Izzard can do wonders for the soul). Sing your favorite songs at the top of your lungs (neighbors be damned). Talk to someone. And if you have no one around who understands, feel free to email me because even though I definitely don’t have all the answers, I’m always willing to listen.
I’m sorry for letting this comment get so long, but I hope that something in there helped. If nothing else, remind yourself as much as you can that you are not the problem. You are the solution.
(((hugs)))
*I feel like this is especially important for you because it seems like you could be close to injuring yourself, at least from what you described, and you definitely want to avoid that.
First, I do not think that you suck. I do not think that you are the problem. I think that you’re doing what you need to do to get through a rough time, and that you’re recognizing the change as those methods are swinging from a ‘problematic, but helping more than it’s hurting’ place over to a ‘hurting more than it’s helping’ place. Learning how to catch things when they pass that midpoint is fucking hard, and it’s awesome that you’re doing it.
Second, man did what you write resonate with me, but around my issues with emotional eating, a lack of exercise and other kinds of neglect in lieu of self-care.
“I feel like a petulant child about it all, but I’m so freaking sick of having to give things up that bring me small measures of comfort. Even when the comfort kind of hurts.
It’s such a fucking choice, isn’t it? You either feel the hurt and can’t do anything about it because the things you know how to do also kind of hurt, or you do those things anyway because it’s better than just sitting there not doing a damn thing and you just hurt yourself more, but at least you’re distracted and too tired to care.”
I don’t know why these coping mechanisms are better than sitting with our feelings, but they are - that’s why they’re coping mechanisms.
I may be off the mark, but I think that you’d have more compassion for yourself if you were binging as a coping mechanism - I know that you’ve had some serious health issues with compulsive diet and exercise, and I don’t mean to minimize the fear that you may feel in relation to all of this. But if it’s possible, I’d encourage you to imagine your response to the past few weeks if they had been filled with a total lack of exercise and a prevalence of mindless eating of snacky foods - I think that you’d be able to tap into compassion for yourself, which is exactly what you deserve right now.
Stress and life are the problem - you’re finding solutions as you can, and they don’t have to be The Perfect Solution in order to be valid and appropriate responses. Jae has some good ideas on how to treat yourself more compassionately going forward, and I think that she’s on the money.
Lastly (damn this thing is long), I think that it’s *really* notable that in reacting to all of this stress, you don’t seem to have gone to a ‘I hate my body’ place. You’re responding to stress with the same approaches that you did in the past, but the core motive is substantially different, which is key.
I don’t know if this will help, but one of my current mottoes is “I’ve spent my life surrounded by crazy people. Some of it has rubbed off.” There are sorts of fucking up that aren’t all my fault.
For good and ill, we’re a social species. We learn from each other. We’re vulnerable to each other.
And we’re stuck living with people who teach that being a human being isn’t good enough. Among other things, humans need time off. We aren’t exercise machines. Even machines need appropriate maintenance. And the maintenance schedules are best developed by people who like machines and pay attention to them.
I’m hacking the problem myself–it’s so tempting to punish myself for not being perfect, and it’s not the solution–but I can only see that when I’m out of the perfection/punishment cycle.
I live in the hope I will get a gut understanding that hatred doesn’t work.
I don’t have anything profound to say, just (((hug)))
Oh honey, your post broke my heart. I think Jae and Alice said some great things and I wish I had some words of wisdom for you too. All I can say is I totally empathize with you (especially the part about wanting to drive away and wake up with someone else’s life) and I support you. I know we are in the same vicinity, so if you need to talk, please email me and I’ll get in touch with you if you would like. You will get through this rough patch and come out on the other side of it much wiser. Sending love and prayers and hugs your way! -Jill
You don’t suck. This is hard. You’re fighting something that’s worked its way very deep into your heart and soul and body.
Maybe I’m repeating myself here, but when I first stopped dieting, I found it impossible to live without rules entirely. When I stopped restricting quantities/calories, I became a vegetarian, a vegan, I adopted a rigid macrobiotic diet for a while — I just needed some rules. Gradually I started giving myself occasional, unscheduled “rule-free” days in which I would, say, visit my grandmother and eat whatever she cooked, as much as she encouraged me to eat; or I would try a new restaurant, a new style of cooking, a new ethnic cuisine I knew nothing about. I didn’t have any kind of a plan for this, I just let it happen when I could. Eventually (and I’m talking years), the rule-free days were not terrifying. I even worked as a cook for a while, and channeled all my obsessive knowledge about food into becoming a total and unrepentant food geek. I can taste something and it’ll take me one or two tries to approximate it in my own kitchen. I can talk people (chefs, grandmothers, aunts — my own and other people’s) into giving up their supersecret recipes.
But I’m still tempted to give up this item or that category of food, or force myself to eat on a schedule or include something “good for me” that I don’t actually like. And sometimes I try it — and I’m happy to say it does not work very well at all.
Giving up exercise, though, I did not do in a healthy, thought-out manner. I had to give it up cold turkey, and I lived without its considerable benefits entirely for a very long time. I injured my back, badly, and spent several months in physical therapy - unable to exercise at all. Barely able to walk or sit, let alone run or do sit-ups. I injured my back because I overtrained. I was doing it for fun, right? Not trying to lose weight, just enjoying how good a fit body feels. Totally healthy, not crazy at all to spend four hours a day in the gym, on the bike, at aerobics.
It was many years before I really was able to enjoy it again at all, but even now I’m tempted to overtrain, because I remember how fit I was, and I want it so badly, and it drives me crazy that it won’t happen overnight. And, at my (ahem) advanced age (43), it’s very unlikely that I’ll ever again look or feel like I did when I was 25.
So I congratulate you for not having a minimum of four hours a day instead of one. For noticing that you are on the brink of overtraining. That you’re tired and hurty. For noticing that this is not, in fact, what you are after. Pay attention to that.
What’s hardest about this is that you do have to continue eating. You do have to continue living in your body, and exercise really does feel good. A moderately fit body is more fun to be in. You can’t give it all up. You can’t ignore it all.
You can get through this.
And if I ever get around to opening a restaurant (ha!), I will call you. I will need wisecracking waitresses — in fact I will only hire wisecracking waitresses.
–Nora
Hugs from me! Hang in there, I think you’ll be fine.
Wow, such long comments in rely to your post. I don’t think I have ever seem so many long comments on a blog before. You must be very special! And you are! I am sending you hugs as well.
Hi, I just found your website through Kate Harding. I’m trying hard to understand, but some of the crazy in my life has rubbed off.
So, if this feels “off”, please forgive! And ignore!
Here is my thought: maybe what you’re doing is not exactly a supersecret diet, it’s like an experiment, a scientific experiment. So that, instead of believing what everyone else says is right for your body, you’re trying things out. Being careful with protein, just to see “hmm, what happens if I do this?” And if it doesn’t work, or even if it does (by work I mean “make you feel good, give you energy”), then you will change it. Try something else.
Maybe, if you’ve been disconnected from your food-feelings for a long time, you have to go through this, like a baby almost. To find that intuition.
hughughugs. I don’t know you, but I have taken to reading your blog lately and you should know that you have helped me, and are helping others. hugs and goodvibes through space to where ever you are.
((((HUUUUGS))))
It’s a roller coaster ride at times. Hang in there.
Tons of internet hugs to you. I have no advice, I am in that same (crappy, leaky) boat of unhappiness with myself. Just hang in there, and hopefully the sun will come out again.
I’m currently writing a paper on intuitive eating- a critique and exploration of when intuitive eating becomes just another diet… your blog is GREAT. Thanks for your honesty, its really helping me get clear with some of my ideas… you’ll definitely be cited