Bump.
I haven’t tracked my food in three days.
I had planned an extra run Wednesday in addition to my “recovery” workout, but I cancelled it after reading your comments. You guys rule.
All your words gave me so much to think about. I’ve been reading them over and over, amazed at how incredibly spot-on you all were. Your experiences and insights are gifts to me, and I thank you for them.
Things are not easy yet, but I have hope. I’m making an effort to put the bad habits away again (and honestly, the fact that my Spartan diet and exercise regime was no in way changing my weight? Total blessing, because who knows how much harder this would be if that had happened), tuck them into the bags with all my old clothes that no longer fit, and hopefully haul them away.
I like the idea presented in the comments that perhaps I’m just experimenting, trying to figure out where I feel comfortable and where I tumble down the Crazy hole.
I feel comfortable working out really hard; I feel crazy when I blow off rest days. I feel comfortable eating often and with lots of protein and veggies; I feel crazy when I pay attention to calories, portion sizes (measuring a tablespoon of fruit spread is incredibly depressing), and ratios.
That’s all good information to have. I can work with that.
What’s happened is I’ve turned from my inside to the outside again. I get nervous and scared about any number of things, and that makes me doubt myself, makes me suspect that I am a self-deluding lazy unlovable procrastinator who is a failure and also maybe smelly. And in light of that, I stop listening to myself and start looking for external cues.
Yeah, that doesn’t work, does it?
I know that.
So, back to Demand Feeding 101. And while I’m going to continue with my workout plan, I’m going to, you know, follow it by taking the rest day. It’s built in there for a reason, right?
Thank you all again for your smartness and niceness and general awesomeness; I am in your debt.
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Ooooh I am so with you on those rest days!!! Sometimes I have to duct tape myself to the couch so I don’t go work out!!!
Rock on. It really does sound like you’re experimenting and seeing what works for you/what sends you over the edge.
Good to hear from you - I was starting to miss my daily dose of Cheesy Goodness. Glad you are feeling better and btw, I’m pretty sure you aren’t smelly!! Keep on keepin on (a la Joe Dirt)!
You have to experiment going too much both ways to find out what works, it’s that simple. No need to judge yourself, it’s totally cool. Same happens for me. I think you are experimenting, the trick is to catch yourself when something isn’t working, before you go over the edge. And obviously you have not gone over, because you would know. It would look like misery and self-loathing, not self-care and compassion. You sounded much kinder to yourself in this post, great job!
I’m so glad you’re doing better.
I think you make a great point when you talk about the difference between the inside and the outside. Counting and measuring are about the outside, eating what your body wants and how much it wants is from the inside.
We seem to have this brainwashing that if we do things “right” according to external cues, the results will be the “right” ones. But, really? The more I find myself thinking about calories and grams and portion sizes, the less I can hear my internal cues. And given that there’s so much we don’t know about the differences between my body and yours and someone else’s, the internal cues are a lot more valid than the external ones.
That’s what I have to tell myself. That even if I’m eating an appropriate-for-me amount of food and striking a good balance between gradually intensifying my runs and not injuring myself, if I’m doing it to stave off guilt and anxiety and satisfy some external norm, I’m not really helping myself.
“…I’m going to continue with my workout plan, I’m going to, you know, follow it by taking the rest day. It’s built in there for a reason, right?”
You’re totally getting it.
But it’s this sentence, “I get nervous and scared about any number of things, and that makes me doubt myself, makes me suspect that I am a self-deluding lazy unlovable procrastinator who is a failure and also maybe smelly” that is absolutely cracking me up. I have so been there. I have to remind myself that self-delusion can go any which way, and in fact I am not smelly, at least not in a really disgusting way (unless you hate curry, or garlic, or the special shampoo I use to keep my grey hair all sparkly which it would probably do anyway, but it can’t hurt). Or if I am smelly, like after a run or something? a shower will probably fix it right up.
PS, I do procrastinate sometimes, though. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that I would probably try to get, if I had a car to put it on, that said “Procrastination: it’s like crack for writers.”
Which, um, well, never mind. I’ve gotta go alphabetize the spices or something.