Move.
Today I am not hungry.
This is unusual. I typically have an appetite unfazed by anything but the highest drama. The last time I remember actively not wanting to eat was when I broke up with a serious boyfriend way back in ‘00. I was quite heartbroken and just the sight of food was gag-inducing. I lived on coffee and Dr Pepper, lost about 20 pounds in 2 months, then got over myself, resumed eating, and went on with my life.
I try not to talk about a lot of personal life here that doesn’t relate to my relationship with my body because, really, how much self-pity can you pile on the internet before the wheels go flat, you know?
But things not related to my body are hard right now and I think I am too young to feel this…trapped. Actually, I think anyone who isn’t yet dead shouldn’t have to feel trapped. As long as you’re breathing, you have options, right?
I want to exercise some options. I want things to change.
I also want to dream my (tiny, really oh-so-tiny) dreams without my husband kicking my feet out from under me first.
He’s always more often than not terribly negative and it makes me want to punch him and then possibly move away in the middle of the night.
I can stay right here, right in this tiny little world with a job I don’t like and a body I fight with and feel like my brain is probably shriveling up and my joy right along with it, or I can do something different.
Maybe not even do. Maybe just allow myself to imagine, you know? To dream those tiny dreams, to remind myself that I am not, in fact, trapped. No matter how it feels sometimes.
I don’t require support, but it’d be nice to have. And I certainly can’t keep asking for it and not getting it, because, man. I just shouldn’t have to.
Anyway, no appetite. Only happens when a great shift is coming.
Wonder where I’ll settle.
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::hugs::
Well, crappity crappity crap. There is just nothing worse than having somebody take down your dreams. It is of no immediate help to try and figure out whether they’re doing it because they think your dreams are genuinely unrealistic or stupid and they think they’re being helpful, or because they’re so unhappy with their own dreams that they’ve gotta shoot yours down too so you can keep them company in their unhappiness. Or something in between. It just doesn’t matter. ‘Yesbutters’ are a pain in the ass, and they turn up in the strangest places. Like, you wake up one day & you’re married to one. Who expects that?
I feel kind of shy about offering even virtual hugs when I hardly know you & all, but please note that I hereby applaud and [virtually, of course] support every single one of your ideas and dreams, big or little.
And I’m about to have a nice warm cup of cocoa. Want one?
i agree with the comment above. yesbutters suck, and you deserve to have someone who supports everything you want and dream of. no matter how crazy it is. maybe you should mention it to him….
Love, dreams are what keep us alive. I’m so sorry that your husband doesn’t support yours, but I almost feel sorrier for him because if he feels the need to do such things it means that he probably has very few dreams of his own.
I think the only thing to ask him to do is to be supportive or to smile and bite his tongue while you turn to more active imaginations for support. We may never get to escape from the boring, frustrating, work-a-day world. We may never become famous writers or painters or magicians. But if it makes you happy to sit in the den and practice pulling bunnies out of a top hat and dreaming of life under the big top, then you go for it. You really don’t ever know how something will go unless you try, and if you have fun, or hell, even if you just look back and go, “At least I tried it…” than you are a success.
And who knows…perhaps it’ll rub off on him. Enthusiasm can be contagious.
(((hugs)))
I feel the same way in my marriage right now - so tired of having my feet kicked out from under me. Tired of feeling good and then that one well-placed little jibe (which he denies as mean, he’s just telling the truth) cuts it all down and I feel awful again. If you ever want to talk, feel free to email me, okay? I’d love to whine and moan and complain with you.
Listen to me carefully, if you feel this way now, please do something about it before you have kids. It is so much harder to make serious changes when children are in the picture, trust me on this one. I could write an extremely long post, but I’ll just say that you deserve to have every dream you have and you deserve to see those dreams come to fruition. Don’t let someone else tell you that your dreams are insignificant - if they mean something to you, then they are very significant. And if you feel trapped, then do whatever you have to do to get untrapped, have a serious “comin to Jesus” talk with your hub and let him know that you need for things to change. Okay, I’d better stop now cuz I could go on and on and I could really start preaching some serious stuff. Just remember you deserve a life where you are free, not trapped. xoxoxoxox
Please don’t hate me for saying this so bluntly, but I just wanted to tell you that I was married to that man. For a decade. The hardest thing I ever did was make the decision that I DESERVED BETTER.
Now my only regret is that it took me so long to believe that I was worth more than what I was being given.
cocoa!
Now I want a cup and just as soon as I get home and put on my PJs I am going to make a pot of it!
I accept all offers of cocoa and hugs and support. Thank you all.
My husband is, for want of a better term, reflexively negative. He immediately sees the downside of any situation (which is exactly what both of his parents do as well, so it’s clear where he learned that).
I gave him a pretty serious talking-to, about what my expectations are and why it’s so devastating to me when he is immediately negative, and he seems to get it on an intellectual level; now whether he can put it into practice, who knows? It’s not the first time we’ve had this conversation and I’m tired of it coming up over and over. And, as I told him, I think it’s pretty sucky that he’s not even in my top 5 of people I share my secret goals with because I know he’s going to say something negative.
It’s an ongoing conversation right now, but I’ve explicitly told him that this is unacceptable *for me*. And that I’m not signing up for this for the rest of my life, so really work on fixing it because if my spouse isn’t going to support me, then I don’t need a spouse.
Thanks again, everyone.
You are awesome. Here’s your cocoa. You got any of that bundt cake left?
You still rock supreme! That’s awesome that you had that talk and laid it all out for him. I’m so proud of you for sticking up for what you want - you deserve it (we all do really). And um, yeah, I could use some bundty deliciousness in my life,too please. : )
alphabitch and Jill, the Bundt cake is seriously awesome. Sadly, there is only 1/2 of it left, and I have a really hard time sharing cake! You’ll probably need to make your own. Hee!
I’m another random reader, but I just wanted to say thanks for this great post. It’s so beautifully, personally honest, and yet so relatable. Even though I don’t know the specifics of your situation, I can *so* relate right now. And though I’m not married, I have close friends who are much like your husband. It can make it hard to trust both yourselves and them. I also wanted to say that, whatever dreams you’re dreaming, they’re important and meaningful and speak to something you’re missing in your life now. Pay attention to them.