Remember.
I came across something yesterday that I wrote 10 days before I made the decision to stop dieting. I’m going to reprint it here, because I think it’s important for me to make sure this stays vivid for me. It’s long, but I don’t want to forget, to risk losing this sheet of paper in the chaos of my desk. So, this is from April 6, 2007:
“I am the smallest I’ve ever been in my adult life and I really feel like I got here by magic and it could just as magically go away. In my head, I’m not a 4 or 6; I’m a size 10 or 12, so being at this size feels temporary and strange. The jeans I’m wearing today are 4s. That incredibly meaningless little number feels by turns ridiculous and awesome. It’s real and it’s not, you know. But I also can’t allow myself the option of becoming that 10 or 12 that lives in my head because to do so indicates failure and for once in my life, I’ve found something I’m better at than anyone else I know. I can lose weight like a champ. I am brilliant at it. I can drop fat and push myself insanely hard and turn down things that sound delicious and even experiences that might cause me to eat off-plan. I’m fantastic at it. And it feels really good to be almost perfect at something.
Even as I was writing that, I realize how jacked up it is. I’m devaluing everything else about me and giving all the weight (ha!) to my ability to control my body. I’ve always felt like I’m not really great at anything. I’m smart, but not supersmart. I’m not athletic, I have no talents, I have no hobbies, I don’t even have friends. I’m shy and odd-looking with a crooked nose and uneven skin, and my hair doesn’t ever look shiny and swingy, and I’m about as regular and unnoticeable as a person can get. But I have a secret self-discipline that allows me to push myself beyond what most people can do. I have a little ramrod for a spine; I can push through pain, tiredness, soreness, boredom. I can get up and get on the treadmill every damn day and then I can come home and work out again. Who works out twice a day?? Who does that?? Me. I do it. I do it and I do it every day and I’m kind of ashamed but also really proud because in some part of my brain I don’t talk about, I think it might make me better than most people that I can be that disciplined. Most people are weak, but I am strong. That’s my secret, and maybe it helps me to feel better about all the ways in which I disappoint myself, all the ways in which I don’t measure up.
I want to be something special and being regular me for years and years hasn’t felt all that special. But being skinny me, the girl who has visible hipbones and may look a little too sinewy in places, that makes me different than most people, because most people don’t have the focus to get there. And I do. It’s the one thing I’m most proud of — my self-control.
But whenever I step back for a second and look at myself and what I do, I can see how it’s not about my health at all. I don’t run because it’s good for my heart and I don’t eat low-fat ice cream because it’s a taste sensation. I do it all because it’s how I earn my value. I have to work for my self-esteem.
And that is why I think I might have a problem. It’s not about anything but control and making me feel like I have some kind of power, and there’s not a point at which I can stop and say, “Here. Here is where I can stop because this is good enough.” There’s not a “good enough.” A size 6 feels good, but I’m more proud of the 4s. I like the way the size 8s I bought two weeks ago literally hang off my hips now, and even though it’s kind of icky to me, I also like seeing all my ribs and the way my belly button has almost gone away. It’s real, physical proof that there’s something I’m really good at. It’s tangible in a way that thrills me. And I look at my body and I see the million ways it’s sill not falling under my control, the cellulite, the spider veins, the thighs (dear God, those thighs) and while I can’t do anything about the pale skin or the veins or the giant pores or the kind of ugly face, maybe the next ten miles I run will make the cellulite go away and maybe if I do two hours of cardio every day, I won’t be able to grab handfuls of fat on my thighs. Maybe then I’ll be good enough, but I know I won’t. There will be something else. The arms that aren’t as defined as I’d like or the fat knees or the heaven-knows-what. Hypercritical = always something wrong. That’s the shitty part of all this.
If I don’t get to a point where I can accept all the parts of my body, where I can enjoy what I can do for the sake of doing it, not because it gives me some kind of outside validation, then I’m going to hurt myself, either through the insane exercise regimen or because I just finally freak out.
I shouldn’t have to work this hard to feel acceptable; I know that for a damn sure.”
It’s easy to forget where I’ve come from, to romanticize what it was like when I was thinner. I can’t let myself forget, though, how much I absolutely hated myself back then.
And how far I’ve come. Happy birthday to me.
Thanks for posting that. You really have come far even if you don’t feel like it sometimes.
Happy Birthday dear! I think that is a wonderful, wonderful gift…in a way, it’s like getting the gift of life all over again
I hope that you had a wonderful day full of happy thoughts and a big, delicious, slice of cake
Happy birthday to you. I hope to get there someday.
I just wanted to say that I’ve had your blog in my RSS feed reader for a few months now, and I admire your honesty so much–you’ve got a lot of guts, and I can definitely see your journey over time.
Thank you for writing, and I hope you write lots more!
I especially related to this from your six-months-ago writing: “I want to be something special.” And: “I shouldn’t have to work this hard to feel acceptable.”
You have many readers who are grateful to your unique way of sharing your experiences. And even if you didn’t, you’d still be an awesome, unique person. I’m glad you’ve made it your mission to combat the flawed logic of the past :).
Reading that made me realize part of me is so envious of you for that. For having that control, for being able to be awesome at losing weight. I’m one of those undisciplined, one of those who tries and gives up and tries again and gives up again. Loses 40 pounds here, 30 pounds there and gains it all back then some. But, I have to realize this mindset doesn’t suddenly go away when/if I lose weight. If I get to a size 10 it doesn’t mean I’m suddenly going to love myself! It’s figuring out how to love me enough to take care of myself and not try to just control myself so “someone somewhere” will like me better skinny so that I’ll like me better skinny. It’s hard. I love your blog, though. I love your attitude, your admittance that it’s not always great and you mess up, too.
Thank you. And, Happy Birthday.
Please tell me that you now know what makes you special and unique from other people!! No? Okay I’ll do it for you: your writing is articulate and creative in a way that most people (me) can only dream about, you finally recognize that being uberthin does not = happiness (how many people really know that?), and you know the magic of baked fudge!! See?! You are special and unique and you have a whole internet of people who think you are dabomb! And you inspire me and a whole host of others who want to be better - physically and emotionally - how many people can say they do that? You rock, girl. And don’t forget it - ever! I hope you have a happy happy birthday and I hope this year will be the Year of the Cheese!!
Thanks for the birthday wishes, everyone! And Jill, I am *totally* stealing “The Year of the Cheese!”
Crystal, I realize now that my ability to lose weight wasn’t about self-discipline. I thought it was at the time, thought I had WILLPOWER, but honestly, I just had a pretty deep well of self-hatred to draw from. It’s easy to hurt yourself when you think that’s what you deserve. Overexercising to the point of injury, not eating enough food–it was all just me paying penance for not being good enough. If I was doing those same things to a child, it’d be abuse, right? How is it less so when we do it to ourselves?
So, please don’t feel envious of my “discipline,” because it totally wasn’t that. It takes a lot more discipline to learn to treat yourself with love and respect when most every message out there tells you that, just by virtue of your gender, you always need improvement. I wish you the best of luck and I promise, promise, promise, promise that as hard as it is to give up diets and accept your body, there isn’t a day when it’s not worth it.
Wow. Happy Birthday.
Happy birthday to one incredibly smart, strong, capable woman.
Your response to Crystal was so heartfelt and true it made me tear up. It’s astounding how much hatred women secretly harbor for themselves but label something else. And how much of this is couched in the phrases “healthy maintenance/ lifestyle.” I thank you so much for… you. Happy Belated Birthday.
You absolutely STOLE THOSE WORDS FROM MY HEAD!!!
Creepy.
I’m glad to know that it is possible to overcome. And realizing, no *celebrating*, how far you’ve come is an awesome gift to yourself.
Have a wonderful birthday.
Happy birthday - you should be proud of yourself for how far you’ve come. Here’s to another great year!
So, please don’t feel envious of my “discipline,” because it totally wasn’t that.
That’s really quite brilliant. It doesn’t take that much discipline to get set in a routine and stick to it out of fear of not being good enough. What takes true discipline and strength is to do what’s right when every message around you is that you’re doing everything all wrong.
I have hard physical stop signs and somehow ended up hard-wired against visibly dieting, so two workouts a day or six hours without food leave me pretty much unable to walk. But I do work out every morning and eat tons of vegetables and all these things that are looked at with some degree of admiration, as if they exemplify willpower.
But I LIKE having a morning routine and getting sweaty and gross before work. I like vegetables so much I have to cut down lest my stomach explodes. No, what is taking all my reserves of strength and willpower is teaching myself not to feel guilty every time I eat, convincing myself to stop worrying about what I cannot or should not control (whether food-related or just plain anxiety).
Someone said to me once that discipline is neither good nor bad - what matters is what you’re working toward. And if you’re working toward hatred and self-validation (and maybe being what other people say we should be), discipline is probably a bad thing. But you do have strength and you do have a knack for working hard and pushing yourself. Which can be great thins when used towards great end.
Happy birthday - I agree that you’re a fantastic writer and a fantastic soul and capable of achieving so much more than a smaller number itching up against your butt.
Which can be great thins when used towards great end.
and in a horrible freudian typo, that was meant to be great things. i’d have accidentally offended myself if the expression didn’t exemplify how being thin is so not the same thing as being a great person.
man, it is so clearly my bedtime.
Happy birthday! Thank you so much for sharing that.
I have to admit, a big part of me was nodding right along with Crystal. Your response really made me think. I am struggling over here and it was just what I needed to read today (I seem to reply to your posts with that a lot!).
And if your talent for writing and ability to reach out to so many people doesn’t make you special - well, forget that. It totally does.
[...] today, I have read several of my favorite blogs and was lucky enough to stumble across this and this. Two bloggers who I really respect and admire - and, admittedly, put on a bit of a pedestal. And [...]
I found your blog today and just read the whole thing. You have really made me stop and think about a lot of the negative things I’ve been doing to myself. About 2 yrs ago I had come to accept myself and my size..then I got diagnosed as hyopthyroid, starting taking meds and lost 50lbs in 4 months. I’ve gained back about 10 over the last 6 months and seriously started freaking out. Right now, I’m really trying to concentrate on eating good food and not judging every calorie. I also started running about a year ago and I love it, but its hard not to use it to punish myself for “bad” eating. Maybe my body needs those extra 10lbs for running. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that this blog is great and I will be stopping by often. Oh, and I just ate a mini cheesecake piece I’ve been avoiding for 2 days…the world did not end and it tasted like heaven. Thank you.
Hey Cheesy - have you come out from under the ice yet???? Still no power in my part of town - work has electric for the first time all week. To borrow a phrase from you - this is one big bowl of suck!!!! Hope you are staying warm!
Hi - just want to reiterate what others have said - you are a wonderfully moving writer and extremely brave to share your struggles. I hope you can see that now, but if not, remember how you felt like a 10 or 12 when you were really a 4? Sometimes we’re not the best ones to judge ourselves accurately. All the best to you.