Thirteen.
I haven’t worked out since December 6.
Today is December 19.
Let me allow the gravity of that to sink in. I gave myself a couple of days off right after my birthday because of some planned shenanigans, and then the ice storm arrived, and then my sister and family moved in, and then they moved out again, and then I had to work late, and here I am. Thirteen consecutive days of no exercise.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t freaked. This is the longest I’ve gone without exercise in 6 years. The lack of physical activity combined with the weird eating that results from no electricity has allowed my weight to shift a bit in the upwards direction. I don’t have a number because I’m not venturing anywhere near a scale, but it feels like five or six pounds. You know, enough to make your clothes fit differently, enough to make you look past yourself in mirrors.
I feel so shaky right now. I want to be able to eat normal meals and go out to dinner and have a glass of wine and not exercise for 13 straight days if life turns upside down, but I also want to feel…okay. And I don’t right now. Not at all. I feel like this body isn’t mine, like I am fooling myself if I think that how I look right now can possibly be okay.
And my most secret-y secret? My husband will be moving back to Texas in about 5 weeks, and I keep thinking, I’ll just try not to make things worse before then, and then I’ll be able to do what I need to do.
What I need to do.
The little dieter in my head seems to be planning a reunion with the disordered eating. She wants shopping for clothes to be fun again. She wants to be able to look below her neck when faced with a full-length mirror. She wants to feel attached to her own body. She wants to feel okay.
And of course, I know that none of those things really and truly accompany my disordered behaviors.
But when you’re faced with someone you don’t even recognize in the mirror most mornings?
It gets hard to remember that.
Hang in there. Your little dieter has the arrogance that comes from people listening to it for a long time, but you are gaining ground every day, silencing it one post at a time.
*hugs*
It’s a bit of a rollercoaster ride, isn’t it?
I bet once you get back in to the swing of things workout-wise you’ll not only feel better physically but also mentally. And hopefully the Little Dieter will get knocked unconscious during one of your runs.
(((hugs)))
I think maybe it’s not only the inner dieter trying to crawl out from the dingy cave you put her in, but the upsetting of a routine and the lack of stress release that comes from not working out.
As much as I hate to talk weight, I think it’s hard to put on that much in thirteen days. It’s much more likely it’s a little weight in your body and a lot of weight in your head. Having your routine and your release back will help, and I don’t mean physically.
What you need to do is and always will be take care of yourself. Which means hear your heart beat and feel yourself sweat. It means a glass of wine. It means sleep when you want it, and the people you love. It does not mean depriving yourself.
You’ll be okay. It’s not just dieters - life-livers need a bit of the steadiness of routine as well, after awhile.
i agree w/ everyone’s thoughts. i started freaking out too, but the best thing to remember is to be flexible. life won’t always be as hectic as it is right now and your thoughts will settle down too. i should practice what i preach though, as im having a bit of anxiety w/ all this holiday eating… feel better!
wow, this really resonated with me. I have been having a hard time lately. I’m sorry your husband is moving, though if it’s a good thing, then I’m not sorry.
Hang in there - you’ll get through it. Everyone gets so crazy this time of year and it seems the exercise plans and healthy eating are the first to go haywire. I’m just trying to hold steady until after the 1st of the year by doing at least 30 minutes of some activity (lately it has been shoveling and dancing) and making the best food choices possible. Try to enjoy the season and don’t be too hard on yourself.
This is mirroring what was happening in my own world. I hurt my knee running and had to give it a rest. This was really hard, but since simply walking was getting to be painful I needed a reality check. I had not realized how much of my self-esteem i placed in my exercise routine. I mean yes I was fat, but i was strong and could do hard stuff! I exercised at least 6 days a week. I was proud of it. But when it was taken away, I started to look at myself differently, like a failure, lazy, weak and really fat. My fatness took on a dangerous, ominous meaning it didn’t have before. Would i gain weight and just keep gaining, was i gaining weight? I don’t own a scale. The whole thing brought into clear focus how far i had not come on my real FA journey.
The point of this long me-centered post is that you have to love yourself regardless of your triumphs and failures or because of them. I started to really look at my body and realize all the years of great service it had given me. I started to revel in its recuperative abilities and all the other things it could do. The lack of exercise gave me perspective. We are valuable and good whether we work out or not. It was my little secret that apparently I didn’t believe this. But now I do. Your blog is so … well it’s a revelation for so many of us. Remember that. Exercise should be about fun, not about hiding hateful feelings about yourself. This is what I was doing. I am still sorting it all out. You rock and we, who read your blog, really are rooting for you.