Eat Something.
I have never really viewed my chronic restricted eating as the main issue in regards to my weight and body; the overexercising has been the thing that really worried me. The proof of real, physical injury being done and the inability to stop myself was freakin’ scary. The effects of not eating enough seemed subtle when compared to stress fractures that made me shuffle and limp. Being hungry felt less serious than being broken.
But whenever I’m trying to regain my footing after a slip, the re-healing always starts with food.
Food. Real food. The kind that has, like, nutrients. That doesn’t come in a 100-calorie pack. That isn’t a wonder of modern chemistry.
Last night, I went to the store repeating my mantra: “Real food, real food, eat real food.” I bought a lot, more than I’ll likely eat, but seeing it there in my kitchen calmed me. It reminded me that I am a living-and-breathing woman who needs to eat. I’m trying to remember that if I under-eat or eat food that is robbed of all its nutrients (including delicious, delicious fat), I’m not just taking that nutrition away from my thighs or ass. I’m taking it away from my brain, my heart, my skin, my bones. Every last cell in my body. I’m weakening myself and I need to be strong. Life is hard; I need to be strong.
For dinner, I had roasted chicken (and not the lean breast meat I normally eat although I find it dry and off-putting, but the drumsticks, my very favorite part!) and brown rice and grape tomatoes sauteed in garlicky olive oil and tossed with herbs. I drank a glass of wine. I felt…nourished. In body and soul.
Today I had real yogurt sweetened with honey and I had to stir the thick cream on top into it and it tasted like love. I savored it; I didn’t just choke down some 60-calorie faux-gurt to hold off my hunger as long as possible. It made me feel like I was worth something to get to have such a lovely snack.
Here’s the thing: Last Wednesday, I passed out on a sidewalk. The ambulance was called before I came to (or I would have managed to drag myself to my car and gotten away before anyone had a chance to get involved because OH MY GOD HOW EMBARRASSING TO PASS OUT ON A SIDEWALK), and the paramedics found something abnormal on my EKG.
I’ve always been a fainter, and getting dizzy and having heart flutteriness has been normal-for-me, but apparently it’s not normal-for-everyone? Anyway, I’m facing a few more checks just to make sure everything is okay (and I’m sure it is), but it’s driving home the reality of my body.
I am not a size or a weight or a BMI. I am a flesh-and-bone-and-fluttery-heart person who needs to take real care of herself.
And that includes eating. Pass the cheese!
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I am so glad to hear that you’re doing a little better. yay!
You’re really inspiring. I am also struggling to overcome an eating disorder/disordered eating.
I just read the comments on your last post, and the following really resonated with me:
I can do it for a few days or a few weeks, but I don’t have the endless well of self-disgust to draw from anymore. And good day or bad day, that’s pretty freakin’ awesome.
That’s true of me as well, and I’ve been beating myself up over it, when really it should be cause for celebration. I used to say “no” to spending time with friends in order to exercise. The fact that I’d rather go out for a drink (and ingest alcohol-calories) instead of go for a run is not a moral failing. It’s a good thing.
also, it’s scary that you passed out on the sidewalk. I hope you can continue to take care of yourself as you did today.
Faux-gurt–LOL!
Our local grocery store has a store-brand line of “dessert” yogurts. Full fat yogurts with absolutely delicious flavorings. The wild blackberry is so orgasmic, and the marzipan orange–all I can say about it is YUM!
Best yet, because they’re real yogurt, with actual calories, they’re satisfying and nourishing. And, unlike faux-gurt, my cats pester the hell out of me to share
Glad you’re OK.
I agree – this journey is making me really appreciate real food and I rarely eat any of that fake crap. I might sometimes eat “crap” but at least it’s not fake. LOL
Oh lady, my brain ain’t got nothin’ to contribute right now. But I got hugs, hugs and more hugs for you. I hope you keep on nourishing yourself as you have, it’s important.
And I hope everything turns out okay on those tests. I’ve been thinking about you, and a bit worried, to be honest. So I’m glad you’re posting again.
Like everyone else said, I am glad that you are ok now and hopefully your checks come out ok.I used to have EKG problems when I was younger so my relapse into severe dieting/restricted eating is starting to scare me in relation those past issues as well. But I agree with you about the real food thing.Things from the earth that nourish your bones, heart, and soul are the best and often when you are “dieting” you forget about them. Hopefully you savor each bite and remember that in order to function properly, you gotta have the right fuel, you know? sorry for the car analogy
Congrats on eating real food and enjoying it, and on pulling yourself out of a dieting tailspin.
When you say that you’ve always been apt to faint, do you mean since you started dieting, or as far back as you can remember?
If you’re at all fond of sf/moderate horror, there’s a nice bit in Heinlein’s “The Unfortunate Profession of Jonathan Hoag” about the wonderfulness of food.
Oh my goodness! This was my life a few years ago, in my early teens. Now I’m in my late teens and I still have weight problems, but I handle them differently. I can really relate with you. I found you on the front page saying something about how you weren’t going to talk about fat, but I skipped that blog and went straight to the fat talk. Figures. Haha. Well, glad I found your stuff, and I’ll keep reading. ;]
The chicken drumsticks thing made my mouth water.
And the faux-gurt thing made me chuckle. Rio Iriri makes a good point about the cats!
My own cat needs to sniff EVERYTHING we eat. And many things – things with “nutrisweet” (an ironic name for something with no nutrient value) for example, she crinkles her nose and literally runs away, squinting and squawking.
But whole foods – turkey and ham slices, whole wheat bread, ice cream, apples, cake and crackers – she sits next to me and purrs.
I should listen to her more often.
I love what you said about how life is hard and we need to be strong. That’s awesome.
Thanks for this post, and for your honesty.
I would also like to send best wishes for continued healing — you make an excellent point about food being an actual source of fuel for our brains and bodies, an oft forgotten fact when battling with the self over what to eat.
I actually sucked in my breath when I read you fainted!! OMG! I’m glad you are getting better – your emotions really come through in your writing. The tone of you post today is so much lighter and it reads like you are giving yourself a hug! I also tend to forget that my brain and heart are affected by what I eat – I always just focus on “what’s this gonna do to my hips and ass??” Thanks for the reminder! Keep posting, k? =)
Thank you for your honesty. You have helped me a lot over the past few months, and this post helps me too.
I hope you are feeling better.
xoxo
Oh, wow, I can’t imagine how scary that would be, to pass out on the sidewalk – I’m so glad that you’re taking care of yourself again. I have missed reading about your journey here lately!
That’s terrifying.
I, too, am glad that you’re taking steps toward taking care of yourself again. Passing out was your body’s version of an emergency siren going off.
Take care of yourself, girl! That’s scary, passing out on a sidewalk – do you think you fainted due to low blood sugar? I know back in my exercise-crazed days I’d come back after a long run and would nearly faint if I didn’t eat something right that second. I hope that’s all it is…best of luck with your EKG, and with your continuing struggles. Thanks for your honesty!
P.S. those garlicky herby tomatoes sound absolutely delicious!! I’ll have to try that myself
I admire your courage in sharing your story. I am always inspired by what I read, good or bad. All the best, and I hope we hear from you soon!
You probably get this all the time; but I just wanted to post and say that you are amazing. I literally discovered the size acceptance and anti-diet movement today. I read your whole blog this afternoon, and felt inspired, yet so sad that in many places, you could have been me.
I will continue to read. Thank you so much for sharing; you have helped set me on the road to what will hopefully be something different.
Also (re. this post specifically), I hope that all is OK with your health
Can I just say that I am so, so, so proud of you? I am so happy to hear that you are back on track and taking care of yourself
Your post has inspired me these past couple of days to treat myself a little better. Last night I debated whether it was okay to have just mashed potatos for lunch, even though I wanted an actual meal and your post knocked some sense into me. I had my mashed potatos (which I made with the proper amount of butter and milk, instead of trying to make the whole recipe with water), and I also had some zucchini sauteed in olive oil (instead of cooking spray) and garlic, and a nice piece of salmon.
Thanks as always for your post…and I will keep you in my thoughts regarding you EKG!
I hope you’re ok. The food you described sounds delicous. I’ve been eating real food these days as well, big difference in satisfaction.