The heart of the matter.

Posted January 25, 2008
Filed under: Body Image |

I am in a very good place with my body these past two weeks.  We are smitten; we pass notes in class, we hold hands on the couch while watching television, we smile when we meet in the mirror in the mornings.  It’s nice.

Between a holiday, a funeral, and a medical test, it’s been a crazy week for me and my body, with lots of meals eaten away from home and several exercise sessions missed and many long hours spent riding in the car.  I also had to wear heels for far too long and my toes have yet to forgive me.

But I’ve been pretty calm about it all.  I catch glimpses of my body on the way to the shower or as I change clothes and I’m not distressed by what I see.  It’s just my body, doing its thing.  And if that’s what my body looks like when I’m not getting to focus quite as much on myself and my preferred way of living, than it’s okay.

So I’m squishier than I usually am.  I’ll probably get less squishy as things calm back down and I get to eat, you know, vegetables again, when I get to run a few peaceful miles and sweat out some pent-up emotions, when I get to move back into my body, instead of just throwing 5-minute walks and ham sandwiches at it and trusting it’ll survive until I can pay attention again.

Or maybe I’ll stay this squishy, regardless of how I eat or exercise.  That’s okay, too.

I met my heart yesterday, during my very first echocardiogram.  I watched her on the screen, pumping away like a champion.  I listened to her strong beat and watched the valves swishing open and closed, and I may have fallen in love just a little bit.

She’s strong, and according to the doctor, completely normal.  And the technician who did the echo told me I have a beautiful aortal arch that she doesn’t usually see in adults; she said she spent a few extra moments admiring how lovely it was.  (That’s right: I really am pretty on the inside.)

I may wear a size 12 jeans, but my heart is healthy.  I may have fat thighs, but I’ll probably run 6 miles tonight because I am fit.  I may have abs that are blurry and not very defined now, but for this moment in time, my health is perfect.

I am well.  I am strong.  I’ll take that over thin any day.

13 comments so far

  1. Thorn on January 25, 2008

    I’m sorry to hear you’ve had such a crazy week, but I’m pleased as peach punch to hear that you and your body are in a nice honeymoon kinda phase right now. That’s wonderful to hear.

    Also? I coulda /told/ you that you have a beautiful heart. ;)

  2. juliafaye on January 25, 2008

    I’m so happy for you :) Squishy or less-squishy matters not at all when you’re healthy and happy.

  3. RHC on January 25, 2008

    I so hear this. When you really step back and look at how AWESOME your body is?! It’s amazing- the design, the agility, the sheer beauty of it’s construction, inside and out. I so get this now. It’s only been after encountering FA and HAES that I have started to really internalize this. And your blog has really helped as well (not to mention Shapely Prose). Glad to read your funny posts again. Thanks :)

  4. zmama75 on January 25, 2008

    I knew you had a beautiful heart – look at all the pouring out of it you do on this blog.

    Sorry for the crazy week.

  5. amanda on January 25, 2008

    I;m so glad your test turned out ok. I agree with zmama too. Thanks for being a helpful read here, I’ve been struggling with binging, purging and restricting the past few weeks and I’m trying to remind myself that my body is not just something I can abuse and control with disordered eating habits it’s everything that I am and it deserves respect dammit :)

  6. d on January 25, 2008

    A UK size 12 can in no way be associated with fat thighs.

  7. Denise on January 27, 2008

    I love this. How beautifully said. I myself have recently grown into a size 12, and ever since I’ve been truly getting size acceptance I’ve been really digging my bodacious curves. Huzzah!

  8. Jill on January 28, 2008

    I’m so glad you are in a happy place right now! Also very glad your ticker is ticking like it should – what a compliment from the tech!! You are awesome.

    Do you ever run any of the 5k’s in Tulsa? I’m thinking of running one in April(if I don’t chicken out first!)

  9. superblondgirl on January 28, 2008

    Hearts are so beautiful, aren’t they? My son was born with a (pretty minor) heart problem, and we have so many gorgeous pictures of his heart, working hard, doing its thing. There’s something so cool about stepping back and looking at the inside of your body, thinking about all the work it does and all that goes on in there and how incredibly beautiful it all is.

  10. psychsarah on January 28, 2008

    “I am well. I am strong. I’ll take that over thin any day.”

    I absolutely love this line. I think you should have that printed on a t-shirt! I would buy one for me and all of my friends. Relish in your body-love babe, you deserve it!!

  11. goodwithcheese on January 28, 2008

    Thanks, everyone!

    Jill, you’re braver than I am…I always have plans of running a 5K and then I remember that I’m slow and also a baby. Let me know how yours goes and maybe I’ll be able to talk myself into it!

  12. weedivine on January 28, 2008

    This post was such a lovely breath of fresh air. Thanks :)

  13. hlynn on January 29, 2008

    I love running 10ks when it’s warm enough to do so. And by love I mean it’s a preferable exercise, but it’s six miles, so duh, it’s a little painful. But in the end, my body loves itself for being so ridiculously strong. And I love racing. I feel so badass when I pass somebody.


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