Put it together.
My last two posts have reflected the drift I’m feeling lately, the move away from my body-acceptance journey toward one seeking a broader self-acceptance. I feel like I’ve held the body image stuff in my hands for so long now, turned it over, examined it from all sides, lifted it to the light. I think I know it pretty well. But I also now know it’s just a puzzle piece, not the puzzle itself.
I am ready to pay more attention to who I am and how I am and why. I want to learn things about myself beyond how many miles I can run or how I take my coffee.
I’ve always been disappointed with my natural inclinations. I’ve fantasized about being strong and stubborn and courageous, carefree and brash and assertive. I like the idea of those things, how powerful they sound.
But the truth of who I am? It is not those things. And that is okay.
I am quiet and cautious and safe. I listen to both sides. I frequently change my mind. I wait until I am certain. I look, then step gingerly off the edge, leaving the leaping to lords. Security matters to me.
It all doesn’t sound very exciting; Wonder Woman doesn’t wait for safety nets. But I am not Wonder Woman. I am Megan. I like to be prepared.
And you know? Confidence isn’t always brash. Smart isn’t always stubborn. I can be my own version of those things. The Wonder Woman type is only one variation.
I think self-improvement has its place. There’s something to be said for becoming more well-read, or a better cook, or fluent in another language. Those things are all awesome and worth doing. But too often, we make goals of changing the fundamental traits of who we are. We look at our brashness or shyness, our restlessness or stillness, and we see them as flaws to be overcome. We focus on improving what is already acceptable and, in doing so, we tell ourselves over and over and over that we are not good enough.
Who you are? How you are? Those qualities and characteristics that are unique to you?
They are all good enough.
Be proud of them. Love them. Be proud of you. Love you.
And happy Valentine’s day.
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This is fucking brilliant. I’ve really enjoyed reading your posts, Megan.
Do you have a fan club I can join, or something? Love it.
thank you for this great post !!
Reading your blog is like watching a child grow. Not that you are a child, but seeing how you have evolved over the last few months is inspiring and heartbreaking at the same time.
Keep up the awesome work girl!!
You are the sweetest. I love how you bare these parts of yourself and then turn it on your readers, but so gently that even when we’re thinking about ourselves in that same open, honest way, it doesn’t hurt quite as much as we feel it should…
Wow. I’ve been saying this over and over for the past year and a half, but never so succinctly and never so concisely. Thanks.
[...] Put it together. My last two posts have reflected the drift I’m feeling lately, the move away from my body-acceptance journey […] [...]
this is fantastic. it reminds me of The Fantasy of Being Thin from Shapely Prose. my thin fantasies always revolved around me dancing wildly and awesomely at a friend’s wedding or something to that effect. i’d daydream about it while listening to music on my ipod on runs.
after reading that Shapely Prose post, i realized that i had been connecting weight loss with a fundamental change in personality. it was so obvious, and yet i’d never noticed it. i’m shy at big social events, and my magical thinking told me that if i lost weight, i would lose that shyness. but the thing is, i *have* been thin, and even then, i still needed a good pitcher of beer and a circle of girlfriends to get me out on a dance floor : ) i’m just not an extrovert, but now i see that there’s nothing wrong with that.
i admit, i still fantasize about being a kick ass dancer, but my failure to be one is no longer something that shames me. i’m okay with myself as i am.
Great post. I think what you are talking about is called “Radical Self-Acceptance”.
Yes! A thousand times yes!
There have been times when I’ve been deeply dissatisfied with parts of my personality. I’ve wished I were bolder and more adventurous.
And yet, I’m in a really good place now that I likely wouldn’t be in if I weren’t precisely who I am. I have love, security, friendship, a job most people can only dream of, and peace of mind.
I might have something just as good, but I love what I have. I’m slowly growing to truly love myself, including the bits that mostly observe life from the sidelines. Without that bit of me, I wouldn’t now get paid to write. Writing brings me great delight. Would I really want to change that?
Absolutely not.
Thanks, inner observer! You’re beautiful.
Thanks, Megan, for putting something into words that had been slowly wafting around my subconscious.
oh, good! it’s not just me! i love the attitude & sass of the fat acceptance blogs, but it’s not me and i felt like i’d never fit in. thank you for reminding me that this isn’t a competition, that fat acceptance is only part of self-acceptance.