Wanting.
There is not so much to say right now.
The weather these past few days has been hinting at spring, all coy sunshine and soft breezes, and when I walk out to get the paper in the mornings, birds are singing in the trees.
It makes me want to go outside and lift my face to the sky and take deep breaths. It makes me long for a hammock and a book and a tall glass of tea. It makes me think of shaving my legs and putting on my shorts* and letting the sun warm my winter-white skin.
Oh, but alas. My shorts. They are too small now. I can put them on and zip and snap and all that, but they fit more snugly than I’d like. My shorts were once baggy. They used to rest on my hips. Now they squeeze. It makes my heart sad.
This last week-and-a-half, I’ve been back to a more consistent and intense workout routine, but I’m appalled at how weak I’ve become. My triceps dips yesterday were pathetic. I feel limp and loose and floppy. I don’t like my weakness. I don’t like not feeling strong.
I know my tight shorts are not related to my noodle-y muscles, but my brain has tied these two things together in a way that makes me think too much about my food and makes me want to chart my workouts neatly on the calendar. I feel like I’m holding the ticket back to CrazyTown; I just haven’t decided whether or not to have it punched.
I know I can get stronger again. I know I can work back up to knocking out set after set of perfect dips. And I know it’s okay to want that.
But if it’s okay to want that, how do I keep from wanting something as simple as my shorts to fit again?
*They’re not really shorts, in that they actually reach just past my knee, but they’re the only shorts I’ve ever bought and worn as an adult, without shame or discomfort. They’re only one size down from what I wear now, which is how they survived the purge. Tragically, I bought them 2 years ago, so there’s no chance of finding them now.
My biggest downfall has ALWAYS been clothes and how they fit… Here in Europe the selection of pretty plus sized clothing is dismal, and I simply know that if I gain (by being practically a model intuitive eater, no less), I will have nothing but frumpy tent-like outfits to choose from. So as much as I feel your pain, you can always buy new, somewhat cute shorts in whatever your size is while I can’t and that’s why I’m a wee bit envious. P.S. Yes, I do realize your post wasn’t about clothing as such… sorry about the rant :o(
I know what you mean. The lingering grip of winter has killed all my outdoor fun. I know when the ice finally subsides and I get back on my bike I’m gonna be exhausted by the end of the block! And my pants are snugger than the start of winter. Grrr.
I think perhaps where things get all snagged up is the difference between wanting your old shorts to fit you in the old way, and wanting /some/ shorts that fit you the way the old ones did. Like, it sounds to me that if you could just have shorts that fit the way the old ones did, on your present body, you’d be happy.
The strength thing, then, becomes a side issue, y’know?
As far as the shorts, my advice is to haul out a tape measure, figure out how long the inseam on those shorts is, and then start cruising around Eddie Bauer and Lands End to find some “crops” or “gauchos” or whatever that might be the same length and may even fit you the same way. Good luck!!
I feel like I’m holding the ticket back to CrazyTown; I just haven’t decided whether or not to have it punched.
I don’t usually LOL at posts, but that had me–in kind of a sad way. I know exactly how that feels. I have never been much of an exerciser but I remember once going for about six months where I worked out every day, and I remember thinking how sexy my strong muscles were. I think that was probably my first glimpse of HAES on the horizon, although it was certainly viewed through the haze of purgatory behaviors and dieting extremes. In other news, I just went clothes shopping for the first time in, oh, years, and I spent over $250 at Lane Bryant. I know not everyone has that luxury, but man did it feel good to be in clothes that fit me! And they look good, and I look good, and people tell me I look good…it’s a great feeling. I love your blog, and constantly am wishing you well on this journey.
Yeah. I’m so much better about body issues than I was four months ago — or two, for that matter — but when trying to decide what to wear in the morning, I haven’t lost the habit of checking my favorite suits and skirts to see whether they fit (whether my virtuous behavior has caused them to fit, essentially). They almost fit not so long ago, but close enough for me to keep trying. They fit even less well now, or don’t fit at all.
Logically, this is okay; I bought them when I was eating very little due to a mix of misery and intentional deprivation, and at a time when I wasn’t exercising because then I’d only get hungrier, which would have led to, you know, eating.
Reptile-brain take on it, though? This is not okay. Yes, I’m healthier now, but I looked good in those clothes, dammit. I think I need to put those clothes away, if this thing is going to work. (Unfortunately, new suits? Expensive. And the number of suits that fit is small. And who knows if this is the weight that’s going to stick.)
I know everyone’s fixating on the shorts, and that wasn’t your whole point, but I’m going to fixate on them too. A seamstress would be able to size them up for you quite easily, I’m guessing. There are a lot of folks who can do it - take the pants in, s/he’ll size ‘em up, and you can get a few in different fabrics and lengths.
Fillyjonk had a great post up yesterday at Shapely Prose, and it’s got me thinking about wanting differently. There are tons of things we want - one of the most important pieces of wanting, though, is knowing what we’re willing to give up. I’m not willing to give up my sanity or health to get back into the gorgeous black jeans I bought for supercheap years ago. But I’m (grudgingly) (sometimes) willing to give up time in front of the internets to make a more balanced dinner than a piece of garlic naan.
Thorn, of course, you’re exactly right. It’s not the shorts. It’s the way the shorts fit. If I had them in a size 12 instead of a 10, I’d be perfectly happy (and, ironically, if I hadn’t dieted below where my body wanted to be, I *would* have them in a size 12 and this would all be moot).
And I was looking in the mirror this morning and thinking how much I actually like how my body looks right now, how I look strong and healthy. I can’t let a pair of $14 shorts dictate how I feel about my body.
There will be other $14 shorts.
man, it made MY heart sad just reading your post.
there is nothing worse than that feeling, too.
the feeling (for me) of THEY ARE MY F*CKING SHORTS WHY DONT THE FIT.
hang in there,
M.
Honey, just get yourself some new shorts! It’s okay - you deserve it.
You are obviously making some awesome progress because you now see that you may or may not go to CrazyTown, whereas before, maybe you’d just kind of wake up there? It’s all part of the process - gaining awareness, making choices, perhaps screwing up for a little while, but then coming back to sanity.
I really do enjoy your blog!
Now is a great time to sit down and write a big long list of all the things that you like. Things that you like about yourself, clothes that you love that are size-independent like scarves, nice experiences that happened to you recently. Shorts are just scraps of cloth. In 10 minutes they’ll be out of style anyway. If you have clothes that don’t make you happy, find some that do.
Hey. It’s alright. Buy new shorts that fit, and enjoy your workouts.
i’ve finally gained enough weight to put me in the “healthy” range. and i’m almost at the point where i’m ok with it - i get glimpses of what my life could be with a little less exercise, a little more food, and probably a lot more happiness. but then today i planned to go buy new jeans, now that i feel stuffed into the old pairs from when i was 20 lbs underweight. the only problem? i never made it to the mall. ironically, i was too frustrated that my jeans were so snug, and couldn’t bring myself to leave the house.
how dumb am i?
There are some nice “Bermudas” at Target right now. I just bought a polka-dotted pair on clearance for $8.98. If Target’s cuts fit your body shape comfortably, you might want to check those out. You can’t beat the price, anyway.
Too tight clothes are terrible. IME there is nothing that will send me into feeling absolutely horrible about my body (not to mention, physically uncomfortable which just compounds it). I can’t have clothes around that are too tight or they just wreak havoc with my mental state, and it’s stupid because like you, I don’t even really care what size they are. It’s the fact that they pinch and squeeze and make me feel like my fatter body is all “wrong” that is the problem. A curse on too-tight clothes.
thats for sure, brother