Disappearing Act.
March zoomed by in a blur of reality television and college basketball and many hours of Wii boxing (because throwing wild punches into the air soothes the savage beast that is my soul), and I’ll be damned if it’s not already April.
So, this upcoming Wednesday is the first anniversary of giving up my diet; it was on April 16, 2007, that I wrote my contract with myself to try three months without dieting, overexercising, or weighing.
One year. And I really am beginning to feel okay.
It sounds a little crazy to me — a whole year, and I’m just to “okay” on the self-love continuum? Not “awesome” or “completely self-accepting” or “body image rockstar.”
Just “okay.”
But you know? That’s good enough. That’s Megan 1, Diet 0. The diet is now in the past. But me?
I’m still here. I survived the 2o+ pound weight gain. I survived leaving behind the 4s, 6s, 8s, and most of the 10s, and every morning, I pull on my size 12 britches and the world doesn’t end. I’m still loved. I’m still me.
I’m just not afraid anymore.
As for food, I ate the world for a while and then I stopped eating the world and now I just eat. I pick what I like and what makes me feel good; my food choices are no longer little dances I do with my disordered body image. I don’t have to go hungry now. It remains such a tiny ecstasy, this eating-to-fullness — it still sometimes takes my breath away.
I’ve been working out consistently, intensely, thrillingly, these past several weeks, and it’s been an actual pleasure. I run hard, I sweat, I push my limits — but I don’t have to do it. I do it because I can. Because I am strong. Because I am powerful.
I stopped feeling those things when I was abusing my body, but now? I feel like a force of nature. I didn’t know I could be so proud of my body in a way that doesn’t even consider how it looks in shorts.
It all sounds better than “okay,” doesn’t it? But in all honesty, there are still moments when I miss certain items of clothes that don’t fit now or when the Weight Watchers talk about that thrill of a lost pound. In those moments, I hear echoes of my old self-loathing.
But they are just echoes. And every day, they sound farther away.
So, one year. I can’t really sum it up in any way that sounds profound, so I’ll just steal this quote from Winston Churchill:
“Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and the glory of the climb.”
Yeah…happy anniversary to me!
Happy anniversary to you.
Whoo!!!
Congratulations!
Congratulations!
Okay is a big step up from not okay. It deserves to be celebrated.
Okay is SO much more than not okay, like 1 is so much greater than 0. Congratulations and it truly is a happy anniversary!
Congratulations, Megan. May the rest of your journey be a good one.
Happy 1 year!
I think Okay sounds lovely. Thanks so much for sharing your journey.
Happy Anniversary!
I hope that you’re getting yourself something nice.
Happy Anniversary. Go for a run, eat a piece of chocolate and buy a new skirt.
Always works for me.
so. glad. you. are. back.
Huge congratulations to yooooouuuu!!!
Hell, things can take a long time, but I’d say after a year it sounds like you are pretty much kicking ass hard. I’ve missed you!!
[...] love: Cheese Good With Cheese is back. I read her regularly for a while and when she didn’t update for about a month, I was [...]
Congratulations on year #1 : )
Yeah, you’re back! I missed your posts–I love your style of writing.
Congratulations! Such progress in one year! “Force of nature,” indeed!!
happy birthday