Onward.
The weatherman promised me 84 degrees today, so I found myself in my closet this morning facing last summer’s clothing.
I tried on a lot of pants.
Some things were snug; they weren’t necessarily unwearable, but a few were tighter than I generally like my clothing unless I’m, you know, cat-burgling or jewel-heisting.
There was that moment. You know the one. When you stand there and you face slightly-too-small clothing and you think, “I could probably get back into those if I just dropped a couple of pounds.” In that moment, it seemed entirely reasonable and somehow easier to consider restricting my food intake and exercising until I break instead of buying new pants.
I knew this was coming after the recent Shorts Incident. I knew a reckoning of last summer’s wardrobe with this summer’s body was headed my way.
Alas, it seems I have to do some shopping and buy a lot of new pants. And like every woman ever, I struggle with finding pants that fit my unique snowflake of an ass, so having to give up the pants in my closet that actually worked on my body? Well, that’s kind of angry-making.
But the thing that I keep coming back to is this: If I had left my body alone, if I had avoided wandering into Disordered Land, if I had let HAES help me find a healthy weight for my body, then most of the clothing I own would be 12s. And they would FIT ME NOW. Because the clothes that are too snug? Are all 10s. I am not a 10. I haven’t been a 10 since a brief pass-through as my weight normalized last year.
In that moment this morning, I had a choice to either punish my body for not fitting the clothes, or to continue to love my happy, healthy size 12 self and just buy new pants. The decision took less than 30 seconds.
Tell me that’s not progress.
Damn straight that’s progress!
Isn’t recovery worth some new pants? Or shorts? I needed to hear this today. Thanks for sharing.
Oh so much progress!! You are awesome!!!
The problem is NEVER your body–but then, you obviously know that. Good for you!
WOOT!!!!
Yay! I have dealt with this issue myself, though in my case, I was never “strong enough” to lose the weight, which just made me hate myself even more. But no more!
Just went through this myself, so good for you.
I actually thought that if I don’t go into “weight control mode” that I’ll end up ballooning even further, etc. etc.
Sparklepants, I’ve thought the same thing, many many times.
yay! good for you! i too have struggled my way thru Disordered Land and can totally relate. My thoughts now have been that I would rather look good in clothes even if I have to buy a size bigger and love who I am. Punishing yourself only puts you back at the gates of Disordered Land. And we all know that isn’t fun. Congrats on the progress!
my unique snowflake of an ass
Let me count the ways I love your writing…
Your blog is one of my favorites, not only for your perseverence and honesty, but for your kick-ass writing.
Fantastic work on your body image as well.