Cake Day.
It’s Public Service Employees Recognition Of Willingness To Be Paid Peanuts And Get Yelled At Week, or something like that, so the office party-people have planned events for each day.
They all involve food.
I like food. Like, a lot. But it’s such a semi-painful experience to be in an office filled with disordered eaters and watch them navigate the minefield that is a box of donuts.
Should they? Shouldn’t they? Perhaps just one? Perhaps just that harmless, glaze-glistened yeast one? That’s a better choice than the chocolate iced, right? Or the one with the lemon filling and drifts of powdered sugar?
It goes on and on, and then my head falls off and rolls under my desk. Or I wish it would. Either way.
Today was Cake Day. At precisely 2 PM, the cake was due to arrive. The Weight Watchers began discussing whether or not they would be having said cake at 1 PM — yes, a full hour before it got there. They asked if I’d be having cake, and I told them I had no idea if I’d be hungry or even want cake in an hour, so I couldn’t say. And the cake arrived and a while later I got hungry, but for yogurt and crackers, so I had that instead. I don’t have to eat cake just because it’s there and/or free. They were befuddled by that. I remember that befuddlement. I’ve been there, too.
Honest truth is, I’ve been feeling sorry for myself for a couple of days because my brain has been spreading rumors that my body is lumbering and awkward, that it is Too Fat. And I’ve been kicking myself rather endlessly, both for being such a tool for believing that “Too Fat” is a Bad Thing, and for being such a sap for believing my giant ass is anything but revolting. Kick, kick, kick — for falling short in every possible way.
But these two days of watching my coworkers turn pastries into morality plays reminds me of what I have to treasure.
Hard days happen. Even the most deeply rooted belief can shake if the wind blows hard enough. But even on those hard days, I know my value isn’t dictated by my menu or my jeans. I’m lucky, because even when I don’t like what I see in the mirror, I still get to feel love for it in my heart.
Happy International No Diet Day, everybody.
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Great post. Great reminder. Thank you!
“But these two days of watching my coworkers turn pastries into morality plays reminds me of what I have to treasure.”
I love that sentence! It captures so perfectly the diet mentality.
I just discovered your blog a couple days ago and found it so inspiring. In March of this year, I decided to not diet for a whole year and blog about it. I’m going to put you on my blogroll because I think your story is amazing.
Oh, dear god, I remember in the heydays of my eating disorder I finally got a job after being unemployed and near poverty for months. I was hired in the corporate HR division of a major computer division, quite the advancement for me. Because I was there to help with the recent acquisition of a new company, I had to face food, abundant food in every which direction. I’m not talking about a simple cookie tray, either. There were gourmet sandwiches, delectable brownies and pastries, gourmet bagels and spreads, chips, pretzels, simmering crock pots, oh my! I almost thought I was going to lose my mind. I was starving myself at the time and every trip to fill my water bottle became a game of “I will not binge, I will not binge.”
I almost thought of quitting. Yes, I was poverty-stricken with no other job prospects and I thought about quitting because of the ubiquity of food and the fear I would give in and gain weight. This is what an eating disorder does to your sense of logic and rationale. It goes right out the window.
We have a lot of that nonsense going around my workplace too. Cake arrived yesterday for Nurse’s Day and you think it was the biggest “moral” dilemna ever- the decision to eat a stinkin’ pice of cake.
I hate cheap frostings and don’t even tolerate the mouth feel of them. Cake is nothing I ever *want* except for frostingless cakes like bundts sprinkled with powdered sugar once in a great while.
My refusal of cake was determined as my “being good.” I advised my co-workers that behaviour has nothing to do with my decision as I am not a frosting eater. They all got smug about my comment then started in on the lengthy discussion of how many points per piece, if extra icing warranted another point, etc.
Damn boring bunch of co-workers I have. Only 2 or 3 have real conversation with me since I don’t buy into food/diet talk.
turning pastries into morality plays . . . oh that is IT, that is my office culture right there.
Heh. We have once-a-month birthday cakes. Our administrative staff orders two large, delicious bakery cakes for a group of about 80 of us in my department.
They announce the day of birthday cakes each month about a week in advance, and also tell people that the flavors are. People discuss the upcoming Cake Days for a whole week ahead.
When I was dieting, this was excrutiating for me and I’d hide in my cube feeling extremely sorry for myself. Lately, not dieting, I’ve been eating cake and feeling extremely weak for giving in and eating it.
I’m hoping nex time birthday cake rolls around (end of May) I might be able to make a real decision and feel good about it. We’ll see.
“Turning pastries into morality plays” is a great line, but I have to say that my favorite line is “My brain has been spreading rumors . . . ”
God, isn’t that the truth. My brain has been in overdrive, spreading rumors lately, so thanks for the reminder that that’s all they are: rumors.
Thank you, that is exactly how I’ve been feeling the last few weeks but couldn’t put it into words.
Yes, the incessant diet discussion gets old. So does the “good” and “bad” judgments over food. I’ve had coworkers wonder why food is provided at office functions.
Um, because sharing food is a ritual that spans most cultures? The central Christian religious ritual is … a MEAL. Bread and wine. Hello.
Food works in other ways, too. Keeping Kosher or Halal means it’s harder to socialize with people of other faiths.
This all reminds me of this quote from Judith Martin in her book “Miss Manner’s Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior”:
“There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection is the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.”
Yes, the last line might be a bit exaggerated for humorous effect, but then again, it often seems to work that way for me.
I always find the combination of food and coworkers to be amusing–probably because I usually stay out of the office since I work from home. At the office I am always reminded how pervasive and accepted dieting is.
What an awesome post. I haven’t spent a lot of time around other people since I began this process. I work from home and I go to school online… so it’s just me and my husband, and for the most part, he abandoned dieting long before I did.
I suppose when I go back east at the holidays I will see it more… my mom is a serious dieter. Ugh.