Rethinking.

First, I’m thinking of instituting what I’m calling “The Lady Time Clause” here at the ol’ blog.  Basically, anything I post the week of my Lady Time should be read with the awareness that the writer is adrift in a sea of hormones and discomfort and therefore is not in her best frame of mind.

Because y’all?  I don’t really want to diet.  It’s so not even about my weight or my appearance right now.  I literally have no issues with the size of my jeans or the shape of my thighs.  And honestly, I am keenly aware that dieting would make the tiny cleavage I’ve grown (second puberty!  Woo!) go away and I’ve grown rather fond of it.

What is making me CRAZY is how unfit I feel.  Running is too hard these days.  It didn’t used to be this hard.  I could fly through the miles at a respectable pace and not feel like I was going to throw up.  Now I just putter along, wheezing.  And it’s not just the running.  My upper body strength is a joke; ten push-ups shouldn’t leave me noodle-armed.  Add that to my gastrointestinal system going on strike, and I kind of tumbled into a hole.

I feel out of shape and out of sorts, and my Secret Dieter is always ready to remind me of how easy it used to be to run and lift heavy things; she says it’s because I was smaller.

She’s, of course, an idiot.  It’s not because I was smaller; it’s because I had a very consistent exercise plan that incorporated lots of running and strength training, which in turn made me better at running and strength training.

Why, it’s almost like practicing something makes it easier!  I should totally fund a study!

So, here’s the thing.  I want to be better at running and I want to improve my upper body strength.  I’m already working on the running, and need to just give myself some time to build my endurance back.  And as for my noodle-arms, I’m going to try to get a plan together that I enjoy, and trust that I’ll get stronger.   I mean, my husband has gotten downright cocky these days, and somebody needs to take him down a peg with some arm-wrestling.

In regards to the digestive issues, I’m going to the doctor next month, so in the meantime, I’ll keep a very informal journal of what I’m eating and how my body is responding.  That feels like a right thing for me, and it may offer some solutions.

The thing is, after I initially lost that 50 pounds and then “maintained” in the mid-130s for the five years, I didn’t actually feel like I was still on a diet; I simply didn’t know any other words for what I was doing.  I was just trying to eat more whole foods and lots of veggies and fruit because it made my body feel better and it helped with both my high cholesterol and The Crazy.  But I also went out to eat whenever I wanted and had dessert and didn’t write down every morsel of food.  I worked out regularly and intensely, but only once a day, and I took rest days when I felt like I needed or just wanted them.  All the real restriction and overexercising didn’t start happening until January ‘07. 

So, now that I know more, I think what I was doing for those 5 years fell more in the realm of HAES (for me)-type behaviors.  I wasn’t trying to lose weight and wasn’t actively trying not to gain either; I was just doing the things that made me feel healthy and strong and good, both in my head and in my body.

I’m going to try to resist painting every healthy behavior (Eating veggies!  Following a training program!) with the broad brush of “dieting,” and I’m going to try to recapture those feelings of health and fitness and bendiness and vigor that I had back then by embracing the behaviors that made me feel my best.

And even if my weight changes nary a pound?  I’ll still feel better, which is all I really wanted all along.