Once upon a time…

…I had a blog.  That I updated.  With some kind of regularity. 

Man, those were the days, huh?

There’s not been a lot to say these last few months.  I went to the doctor back in June to figure out why I seem broken in a lot of ways, and the results went something like this:  “Hey, you’re in the your 30s now. And you come from a long line of chubby women.  So, unexplained weight gain?  Jacked-up gastrointestinal system?  General feeling that something in your body is malfunctioning?  Totally normal.  You’ll get used to it.”

Thank you, doctor.  Can I have my co-pay back now because I could have gotten that much useful information from the janitor for free?

I like my doctor; she’s nice and never rushes me, but I’m annoyed that she threw a blood test at me, looked at the results that fell into “normal” ranges, and sent me on my way.  Knowing that I meet the lab ranges for “normal”?  Doesn’t actually make me feel better.  So, I’m still fighting maintaining my body weight (which isn’t about the weight, but the fact that I’m eating a really healthy diet* and getting 60 – 90 minutes of pretty intense exercise a day and still watching my weight creep up).  And I’m wiped out by 9 PM.  And my face is weirdly puffy.  And…and…and….it just goes on.

I don’t care what I weigh.  I don’t care what size I am.  I just want my body to respond in a way that seems normal and at all related to my behaviors.  It feels like things have gone off the rails.  I’m eating well and exercising a lot because I like how I feel when I do those things, but I find it disheartening to have to keep buying new pants.  And my joints aren’t happy about the weight gain; when I run or kickbox, I feel it in my knees more than I did 10 pounds ago.  And 6 months or 12 months or 2 years from now…I’m scared that these things I love, this running and kicking and jumping around, will get painful because my joints will be suffering from the increased stress of however much more weight I’ve gained by then.

Anyway, I had a follow-up appointment with my doc scheduled last week (only relating to my going-off BCPs and how I was feeling after that, nothing to do with my other stuff), but I cancelled it.  Why?  Because I’m frustrated that the tiny issue of BCPs is getting more attention that the GIANT issue of my body not working right. 

I know I need to go back.  I need to make a big, long list of everything that doesn’t feel right or feels out of whack, and I need to advocate for myself.  I need answers.  ‘Cause “being in my 30s”?  Not an answer.

So that’s where I’ve been: biking and running and shopping for new pants and being bitter over an appointment that happened 3 months ago.  But now fall’s almost here, and it’s my favorite time of year, and I’m not going to waste another month watching my body go haywire. 

I’ll let you know how things go. 

*”Diet” = the foods I eat on a daily basis, not a plan for weight loss.