I can relate to your most recent posting, and bunch of others..but this last one really stood out. I felt like someone had slapped me in the face with a fly swatter when I hopped on the scale two months ago. I’m not going to lie…I nearly f***ing lost it. There they were, the blaring red numbers my brain couldn’t compute: 162lbs. Ten months prior to this terrifying moment I was about 145 lbs and exercising regularly. Then depression crept in and I became an under-eating, over-exercising gym rat. I dropped 25lbs in 3 months and I recall being “happy”. I was light on my feet, getting all kinds of positive attention…everyone kept telling me I’d never looked better. Deprivation and daily punishment at the gym had become my escape from a failing relationship. I had become so obsessive about exercise, I started to ignore my body’s cries for rest and relief. When I woke up one morning and could barely walk to my car, I had an epiphany. It was that day I left my boyfriend of 7 years and moved in with my family.

Now that I was in a safe, nurturing place I promised myself to stop the craziness and let my body heal. I accepted the fact I was going to gain weight. I started feeling great, and eventually lost the motivation to exercise-I didn’t think I needed to and frankly-I didn’t want to. In the months that followed, a different addiction made its way into my life–I began to enjoy the gluttony of eating past full, and justified every extra cookie or brownie. I had adopted an “all or nothing” attitude, and my waistline showed it. I wasn’t pleased about buying bigger clothes, or how I looked naked…but it was winter and my clothes covered every inch. I was in denial. I attempted to start eating clean and tried to get myself to the gym, but my workout clothes didn’t look good anymore, and I really had no desire to be seen in them.

There is more to the story, but I’ll stop here. Since the weigh in, I find myself wanting to go back to the days of spending 2 hours at the gym, and having a 16oz double soy latte, an apple, and salad with just lemon juice for the day. I dream about my former self, wearing a loose-fitting size 4. Reading your blog has made me realize how irrational my thoughts are, and I don’t feel as lost. Your experiences feel like my own, and I am rooting for you. You are a light in my darkness. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thanks. I am really enjoying your blog and am adding you to my blogroll so your words may continue to spread the joy.

Gertrude

http://gertrudegrannypanties.wordpress.com

glad to have found you.